


Rusted Blood

by metallicfey



Series: Heard You Crying [2]
Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Rick Grimes/Michonne, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Rape/Non-con, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-08-25 16:56:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16664641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metallicfey/pseuds/metallicfey
Summary: Part 2 of Heard You Crying finds Daryl and Julian separated during the early stages of their new relationship. Each in their own way, they work toward reuniting and keeping Alexandria, and the people they love, safe. There are bumps and bruises, and some more serious injuries, along the way, but keeping them apart is damn near impossible, even for a herd of walkers.Then, there's Negan.(Starts during episode 1 in season 6. Follows canon, until it suddenly doesn't. So, spoilers.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it!
> 
> All the spoilers start below:
> 
> I was trying to wait until I had the whole thing written to start sharing this, because I've had a long wait on my other TWD fic thanks to not having it finished, but like... guys, it's been so long since I finished posting Heard You Crying. Also, I'm not sure where I want this to end. I'm either going to finish Daryl and Julian's story here or give you a third part. But I haven't decided yet, so I'm just posting now before you all forget about me!
> 
> The last story followed canon as well as I could. This mostly does the same until a certain point, because fuck canon. I'll tell you right now, I'm not killing Carl or Rick. So, yeah. If you've loved how I have stuck to canon, me too. I know a lot of fics don't. But they shouldn't have killed the two main characters if they didn't want to fucking break me. It's not for a long while still, but there will be a point where I leave canon in the rear-view mirror while flipping it the bird.
> 
> Finally, the title of this work comes from Rusted Blood by Michael Schulte. Dude has some great music. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this as much as you did the first one.

#### Episode 6x01

Just a couple weeks ago, a hand in his hair while he was sleeping would have startled Julian awake and his first instinct would be to attack. Now, though, he just smiled. His eyes fluttered open and Daryl Dixon stood there, stroking Julian’s long blonde hair as it fanned out around him.

“What’re ya doin’? Julian mumbled sleepily, reaching up and taking Daryl’s hand in his.

He brought Daryl’s hand down and kissed his knuckles softly.

“Leavin’ soon,” Daryl said.

Julian frowned against Daryl’s hand. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant thought to wake up to – Daryl and Rick and a lot of other people Julian really cared for were about to go outside the walls, and not just for some random supply run. There were an unimaginable number of walkers in a nearby quarry and this was the day Rick had decided they would practice leading the herd away from Alexandria.

Julian turned his head and looked out the window, dreading Daryl’s departure. It was still dark outside.

“What time is it?” he asked.

Daryl shrugged.

“We talked ‘bout this last night,” Julian said. Daryl’s hand slid back up into his hair. “We’re waitin’ to tell Rick ‘til this whole herd thing is taken care of – don’t need him thinking about what we’ve been doing while everyone’s lives are at risk. And the worst thing that could happen is Rick walking in on us or something. We gotta tell him. Can’t let him just find out.”

“Ya talk too much,” Daryl said, but his tone was affectionate, and it didn’t sting the way it used to.

“Then kiss me,” Julian suggested.

Daryl moved quickly and silently, covering Julian’s body with his own and pressing their lips together. Daryl’s right hand remained in Julian’s hair as the other worked its way down his body, caressing lines he was intent on memorizing.

Julian smiled against Daryl’s lips. “Did you come here for another round of sex?”

Daryl rose up on his elbows, looking down into Julian’s eyes with nothing but warmth. “Nah,” he said. “You’re probably still sore.”

“Not really.”

“We’re not doin’ it again.”

Julian grinned. He _loved_ that Daryl did everything to avoid hurting him. He loved that Daryl had done so even before learning that Julian had been held down and forced in the past. He…

Julian pulled Daryl down into another kiss. He wouldn’t let himself think it yet. They’d been officially together less than twenty-four hours and had known each other less than a month. It was too soon to think about loving Daryl, no matter how warm and safe he felt when they were together.

“I’mma miss ya,” Daryl said, and Julian loved when he used his words. Because Julian could already tell Daryl was going to miss him by the way Daryl was kissing him. Hearing it, though, was something else entirely. It made him want to lay with Daryl in that bed forever.

“It’s not too late for me to go,” Julian said softly. “Michonne said she’d talk to Rick about not treating me like a kid. Maybe I can convince him to let me go with you.”

Daryl considered it for just a moment, looking down at Julian skeptically. Rick considered Julian a son. There was no way in hell he’d let Julian leave with them, no matter what Michonne said. But it didn’t really matter. Daryl didn’t trust himself to be able to protect Julian in such a dangerous situation. The only one he trusted with Julian in a situation like the one they were walking into was Rick, and Rick had made his feelings on Julian joining very clear.

“No.” Daryl pressed a kiss to Julian’s neck, right over his pulse.

“Think about it. I can sit on the back of your motorcycle, holding you tight and it’ll be the cutest thing.”

“Don’t wanna be cute.”

“Really? That’s your response? You’d rather keep your masculine, loner-dude persona perfect than have me tag along?”

“Nah.” Daryl barely pressed his lips to Julian’s. “Don’t wanna be distracted.”

“Would me holding onto you really distract you that much?”

“Keepin’ ya safe would.”

Julian smiled. He reached up and ran his fingers through Daryl’s hair, pushing it away from his face. “That’s a good answer.”

“It’s just the truth,” Daryl grumbled, and Julian wished there was a lamp to turn on or something, because he was certain, absolutely certain, that Daryl was blushing. He just couldn’t see well enough in the dark. “I tried to get Rick to take ya with him. But he wants ya here. So, you’re stayin’ here.”

“Fine, but I need you to do something for me,” Julian sighed.

Daryl grunted questioningly.

“Just, try really hard to get back,” Julian said. “You’ve got a boyfriend waiting for you, now.”

“Do I?” Daryl said, a hint of a joke in his voice.

“Mhmm,” Julian replied. “And, I think he really likes you.”

Daryl smiled. A real smile. Julian’s heart beat a bit harder and faster and he smiled back.

“Sounds like an idiot,” Daryl then said, smiling less but still smiling. He sounded serious. Like he really thought Julian’s feelings for him made him an idiot.

Julian couldn’t get into that, now. It was too much to unpack before Daryl left. “I have heard he isn’t a big thinker,” he said with a grin.

Daryl smirked. That, Julian was more used to. “Well, as long as he’s beautiful.”

“Beautiful, huh?”

Daryl’s expression turned serious. He pressed his thumb against Julian’s bottom lip, drawing it downward. Julian expected the thumb to end up between his lips for him to suck, but Daryl just leaned closer and studied the bite marks that had been created by Julian’s own teeth.

“The most beautiful person I ever saw,” Daryl said. “I need ya safe as ya can be and that ain’t out there with me.”

“Okay, but tell me you’re gonna miss me again,” Julian said with a big smile.

Daryl leaned closer, until their lips were brushing as he said, “I’m gonna miss ya.”

Julian gripped Daryl’s hair and tugged him down, so they were kissing again, and it was reminiscent of the first time they had kissed. Daryl had been all sorts of pent up. The kiss had been rough and uncontrolled. It was Julian who was unable to control himself this time, though. He wanted more of Daryl – _all_ of Daryl.

Luckily, Daryl’s self-control also suffered due to his impending departure. By the time Julian was on top of Daryl, grinding against him, he had already forgotten that they’d had sex probably less than five hours ago.

Julian wasn’t worried about being hurt during sex. Daryl was always methodical in making sure Julian was properly prepared. It was almost too much as Daryl’s fingers alone brought Julian close to climax only for them to be removed and replaced with Daryl’s well-lubed cock.

Julian had yet to last any amount of time he could be proud of with Daryl. But he never felt embarrassed by it because Daryl was rarely far behind, like getting Julian off was almost enough for him.

The hardest part was being quiet. Daryl tended to busy himself with kissing Julian’s neck or nibbling on his earlobe. Julian had to remind him once or twice not to leave any marks. Not yet. Not until Rick knew. Julian had taken to biting his own arm, despite Daryl’s protests. It was better to leave the room with slight bruises than having the whole house hear him moan Daryl’s name.

And if he wasn’t biting his arm hard as hell that night, everyone would have heard him as Daryl finally, _finally_ , thrusted hard into him, hitting his prostate again and again. He had wanted this so badly – Daryl wasn’t hurting him, but it was the first time Daryl wasn’t treating him like he’d break.

After, Daryl scowled as he looked down at the bitemark on Julian’s arm. Julian didn’t care, moving up to Daryl’s chest. Daryl held him and they laid there, until the sun just barely brightened the sky. Julian sighed and looked up into Daryl’s eyes.

“You have to go, soon,” he said quietly. “Rick’ll be looking for you.”

“I locked the door,” Daryl replied, like that solved everything.

“How far out do you have to drive for the practice run?” Julian wondered, knowing almost as soon as he got Daryl back this time, he’d be leaving again to face the real danger.

“I’ll be back,” Daryl said.

Julian scoffed. “I was looking for a time range.”

Daryl tangled his fingers in Julian’s hair and pulled him up for a short, gentle kiss. “I’ll get back to ya quick as I can.”

Julian smiled. “You better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your feedback is my fuel. 
> 
> Haha, I mean, kinda? I love comments and kudos, but honestly, just seeing that view count go up makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
> 
> I adore you all<3


	2. Chapter 2

Just before leaving, Daryl pulled Julian to the side, trying to be as discreet as possible. Julian glanced around, thinking it wouldn’t be the weirdest thing for the two of them to talk to each other, but it might draw some attention if it looked like they were trying to be secretive about it. Julian crossed his arms and leaned away from Daryl, just in case anyone was watching even though the only one he saw paying them any attention was Carl. And, due to an unlocked door, Carl already knew about them.

Well, not that they were dating. But that there was something between them.

“If ya start havin’ your nightmares again, tell someone,” Daryl said quietly. “Tell Maggie or somethin’.”

Julian looked down, smiling and trying not to. This wasn’t something to smile about, but he didn’t know if Daryl showing he cared would ever not make him smile.

Julian wanted to kiss him so badly, it was an exercise in self-control to remain apart from him.

“Julian,” Daryl said, drawing Julian’s eyes back to him. “Tell someone.”

Julian nodded. “Alright. Okay. I’ll tell someone. But hopefully they’re gone… maybe you scared them away for good.”

Daryl snorted and turned halfway away from Julian. “Don’t be dumb.”

“You know me. Dumb and brave,” Julian joked.

“Ya ain’t dumb,” Daryl muttered.

“Daryl Dixon, you need to walk away from me right now because I will kiss you if you’re still standing there in, like, five seconds.”

“ _That’d_ be dumb.”

“Rick would kick your ass.”

“Think so?”

Julian considered it for a moment. Rick was the closest thing Julian had ever had to a decent father. And Rick had never liked a single one of his boyfriends. He hadn’t even known that Julian had been treated poorly by most of them and abused by one. It was, apparently, just Rick’s instinct to dislike the men in Julian’s life. And the truth was, Julian had only had one decent boyfriend and he was currently saying goodbye to him.

“We just gotta be careful about telling him,” Julian said. “He’s primed to not like my boyfriends.”

“He likes me,” Daryl said, almost defensively.

“Think he’s going to like you just as much when he knows you’ve put your dick in me?” Julian wondered.

Daryl paused, glancing behind Julian to where Rick was standing, directing the others.

“Think he’s gonna hate me?” Daryl asked.

“Not if we do it right,” Julian answered. “Which means telling him purposefully. Not having him see me kiss the shit outta you.”

Daryl crinkled his nose. Julian laughed.

“Just go so you can get back,” Julian said, pushing his hands into his pockets to keep from touching Daryl.

Daryl nodded. He walked past Julian, heading for something behind him even though there was nothing for him back there. He did it so he could bump their shoulders together, his fingers lightly touching Julian’s side.

Julian was still smiling because of it when Rick walked over.

“You and Daryl seem to be gettin’ along better,” Rick said, watching Daryl walk back toward the gate, giving Julian and him a wide berth.

“Well, he’s not bad when you get to know him,” Julian replied. “And neither am I.”

“Hmm…” Rick looked over his shoulder at the gate as it was being opened. “Lots of us are goin’. Told ya you had to stay, but now I can’t decide if it’s safer for ya here or out there.”

It was certainly tempting to convince Rick to let him go along, but Julian stopped himself. He didn’t need Rick or Daryl being distracted by him.

“Here. There are walls, here,” Julian said. “Plus, Carl’s here.”

Rick looked over at where Carl stood with Judith. Julian glanced over too. It couldn’t be easy, for Rick to leave his kids behind, but it was an easier decision than it had been with Julian – Carl was a kid and Judith was a toddler. Neither could be taken on a mission like this. But Julian still wanted to do what he could to ease Rick’s mind.

“You know he’s more than capable of protecting her, right?” Julian asked quietly.

Rick looked back at him. “Yeah, ‘course.”

“And, despite my history, I’m capable of protecting myself.”

Rick nodded, but there was a hint of skepticism in his eyes that Julian understood, but understanding didn’t prevent him from wishing Rick would believe him. Sure, Rick had every reason to think Julian was helpless, but he thought he had proved himself when it came to walkers, at least.

“Well, anyway… You stay safe,” Julian said seriously. “We need you around here.”

“It’s just a practice run, today,” Rick said.

“You’re still going out there. That’s dangerous no matter what you’re doing, so don’t take chances, alright? Not with yourself and not with our friends.”

“I won’t.”

“Come back.”

“I will. You stay outta trouble.”

Julian grinned. “No promises.”

Rick shook his head, still smiling, and hugged Julian with one arm.

“I’ll see ya, kid,” Rick sighed.

He walked over to say goodbye to his kids. Julian searched for Daryl in the crowd, finding him sitting on his motorcycle, talking with Michonne. Their eyes connected, and Julian winked. Daryl quickly looked away. But over the next few minutes as everyone finished their goodbyes and Rick moved to stand beside Daryl and Michonne, every time Julian glanced at Daryl, Daryl was looking at him, even when talking with Rick.

Julian thought Rick would figure them out, if Daryl kept staring at him. Still, he grinned. It had never felt so good to have someone be unable to take their eyes off him.

 

#### Episode 6x02

 

He stopped by the infirmary to check on Denise. Since Rick had killed Pete, a lot of responsibility had fallen onto her shoulders. After the stories of her panic attacks in medical school, Julian was only worried that she might start to feel overwhelmed. So far, there wasn’t much to take care of – even Eric’s ankle was basically healed. So, there might not have been a better time for her to take over. He just hoped she’d be able to settle in before anyone got too sick or injured.

Eugene and Tara were at the infirmary when Julian arrived. He was about to walk over and join their conversation when Gianna ran up and grabbed his arm. “Maggie asked me to help with the garden!” she said excitedly.

The dinner party they’d had the night before, which Gianna put together in just a couple days, had done wonders for her mood. He wasn’t really sure he had ever seen her so happy. So relaxed. It was amazing. It was like he was meeting a whole new person.

Sometimes, he forgot he hadn’t known her for her whole life and there was a person before all this he’d never meet.

“Is Maggie moving forward with the garden, then?” Julian wondered, leaving the infirmary behind so they wouldn’t interrupt Denise, Eugene, and Tara’s conversation.

“I think so. I mean, she was talking to me and Deanna about it. Deanna… isn’t doing well, though. I don’t know if she really heard what Maggie was saying,” Gianna answered, excitement, at least, muted for the moment.

“Deanna lost a lot very suddenly, the way most of us did at the beginning,” Julian replied. “She just needs some time. Don’t count her out, yet.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Gianna assured him. “I’m all for strong, badass ladies.”

“Speaking of badass ladies, you’ve been spending more time with Carol, lately, right?”

“Yeah. We work together.”

“You learning anything from her?”

“How to make cookies in the apocalypse.”

“That is a useful and rare skill.”

“Well, she’s starting to warm up to me, so I’m pretty excited about that.”

Julian nodded. Winning over Carol was something to be celebrated. So far, it felt kind of like she counted him among the old Alexandrians; a part of her community, but not her inner circle. She wasn’t outwardly cold toward him or anything. She was just the only one, other than Sasha, who had yet to welcome him fully. He tried not to take it personally. They had both clearly been through a lot.

“So, what are you doing today?” Gianna wondered. “I’m going to sit at home and do nothing. Isn’t that amazing? I get to do nothing, again.”

Julian chuckled. “Everyone should take a little time to do nothing every once in a while.”

“Do you want to do nothing with me?” Gianna wondered.

Julian knew there was probably something better to do with his time. But screw that.

“I’d love to,” he said.

When the pair got back to Rick’s house, Sam was walking away forlornly. He watched the kid stomp back to his house and had a few things he could say to try and make the transition of having an abusive dad to suddenly not having an abusive dad easier, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave Gianna’s side to go after him.

They had time, anyway. He’d explain to Sam that some people were better off dead and it could be hard to accept that, but it didn’t change it.

Gianna jogged up to the second floor without saying anything as Julian stepped into the kitchen. Carol was there, putting something in the oven. She straightened and looked over at him. He smiled. She did not smile back.

“Has Daryl ever said anything about me?” Julian asked, curiously.

Carol raised her eyebrows.

Gianna ran back down. “Before we do nothing, I gotta take this to Olivia.” She held up a paperback book Julian had seen her reading over the past few days. “Book club, you know? I meant to take it yesterday before the party, but there was so much going on.”

Julian nodded a little. Gianna had explained to him that there was a book club in Alexandria where they all just passed around the one copy of a book until everyone had read it, then they got together to talk about it. This was Gianna’s first time reading a book with them and it had her excited and feeling more and more like she was part of the community.

“Once I get this done, I’ll officially have nothing left to do,” Gianna said on her way out of the house.

Julian looked back to Carol. “So? Daryl ever talk about me?”

“Nope,” Carol replied. “Not a word about you. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, um, I don’t think he hates me anymore, is all,” Julian said, glad it wasn’t exactly a lie even if he was leaving quite a few things out. “Just wanted confirmation.”

“Sorry, I can’t help you there.”

“Oh well. Thanks, anyway.” Julian walked over to the cupboard and took out a glass.

“You should train Gianna,” Carol said, drawing Julian’s attention back to her. “So, she can take care of herself. All I’ve heard from both of you is how useless she is in a fight. That’s a burden on the whole group.”

Julian clenched his jaw as he poured himself some water. What Carol said wasn’t necessarily wrong. But he would never be okay with Gianna being considered a burden.

“It’s not like I haven’t tried,” he mumbled after he’d had a moment to collect himself. “She just doesn’t take to fighting. She’s not made for it and I’m not going to make her feel bad about that.”

Carol sighed loudly. It sounded like she was very annoyed with him. Julian looked past Carol and out the window, trying to think of something to say which would ease her concerns about Gianna. But, instead, he saw Shelly Neudermeyer smoking outside her house and his thoughts were drawn in a new direction.

“Huh; Shelly’s actually smoking outside,” he commented, causing Carol to also look out the window. “That’s a first.”

Carol barely seemed to flinch when a man ran up behind Shelly and cut her down with a machete. Julian gasped loudly and dropped his glass of water, shattering it across the floor. It wasn’t until Carol turned around and he saw her face that he realized she was just as horrified as he was. They stared at each other in silence for only a moment before Carol was moving. Julian knew he should probably follow her. Or at least grab a gun. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t think past the fact that Gianna wasn’t inside the house. She was outside and she was alone.  

Julian ran outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot express to you how weird it is that the Read Aloud function of Microsoft Word can say "Neudermeyer" perfectly but says "Michonne" like "Mickon." It also doesn't say "Caden" right. That doesn't matter for this story, but my other TWD fic is a Rick/OMC and the OMC is named "Caden" and when I listen to it for mistakes, I gotta just sit through it butchering the guy's name.
> 
> But it says "Neudermeyer" fucking perfectly.
> 
> Technology is weird, guys.
> 
> Are you still enjoying this? I hope you're still enjoy it, because there's a lot more to come.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to ItCouldAllBeForNothingTomorrow for all their help with this story, but particularly this chapter. They really kept it from being a compete mess. It was completely different and it's soooo much better now.

Julian knew people were dying around him. He could hear screams. And some gunshots. But he kept running. People he knew, people he was friends with, were being cut down in the street and he was ignoring it. He might have been able to save them, even just one, but he wasn’t going to try.

He’d feel guilty about it later. Hell, it’d haunt him the way few things still could. But, at the moment, the shame couldn’t reach him. He had to keep moving because Gianna was his priority.

A dirty woman brandishing a kitchen knife put herself between him and Olivia’s house. He nearly ran into her before noticing her, allowing her to get an easy swipe in. The knife cut through his shirt and left a stinging cut on his side. He barely regained his balance before she was leaping toward him again. He dodged a few more swipes as he fumbled for one of his knives. In her wild swinging, the woman nicked his arm, leaving a shallow cut on his shoulder that throbbed with an almost burning pain.

He thought his saving grace was that he was in much better shape than the woman. With every unruly gesture, she was moving slower and it was becoming easier for Julian to dodge her. He just kept ducking and weaving, waiting for the right moment. And when that moment presented itself, he lifted his leg without hesitation and kicked her hard in the gut. She fell backward with a loud, breathless grunt, her knife dropping from her hand. Julian rushed forward and stabbed his own knife into the woman’s skull. As soon as he knew she wasn’t getting back up, either dead or alive, he yanked his knife free and continued running to Olivia’s house.

When he turned onto the lawn, he instantly saw Gianna peeking out the living room window. She dashed from it quickly and threw open the door just as Julian reached it. He rushed inside and quickly closed the door and locked it. He was about to ask where Olivia was when the doorknob shook.

“Upstairs,” Julian ordered, maneuvering Gianna around by her shoulders.

“Saw him go in here!” someone shouted outside before there was a heavy thud against the door.

Julian stopped at the top of the staircase. Gianna turned to him quickly.

“Hide. Get under a bed or in a closet or something,” he whispered, trying hard to ignore the continuous thudding below them.

Her eyes were wide and terrified. Neither of them had forgotten that Julian wasn’t in his element when fighting living, thinking enemies and she clearly didn’t want him to try. Her eyes shifted desperately from the small cut on his shoulder to the deeper one on his side that was causing the fabric of his shirt to stick to his skin.

“Let’s hide together,” she said quietly. “You don’t have to fight.”

Julian replied by quickly kissing the top of her head, then dashing down the staircase. He reached the front door just as it splintered and flew open. Julian really couldn’t have timed it any better. The moment he saw a stranger’s face in the broken doorway, he threw his knife, striking him right in what looked to be a nose broken many times over. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the same element of surprise with the second man standing outside the house.

Julian took a step back. He rushed to grab his other knife, but the man crossed the distance between them quickly. Julian had just pulled the knife free when the man grabbed his wrist and twisted it hard. He knew he was incredibly lucky to escape without a broken bone. He thought it would still hurt like hell when his adrenaline wasn’t keeping him going anymore.  

The man swiftly bent down and grabbed the knife Julian had been made to drop. Julian dropped to the ground just in time to avoid being stabbed in the chest. The knife was embedded a few inches into the wall from the force.

Julian felt incredibly small next to this man and he didn’t know how he was going to survive this. For all he had endured and survived this dirty, hulking man was going to be the end of him and he just hoped, with everything left in himself, that the guy didn’t go looking through the house for Gianna.  

The man yanked the knife from the wall as Julian tried to get the one he always kept at his ankle on the advice of a soldier he met in his first group. But there was a hand in his hair and he was yanked up and pressed against the wall again. He quickly brought his arm up to deflect the blade as the man plunged it toward his chest. It cut a deep, short gash into his forearm. Without hesitation, the man brought the knife down again. Julian tried to collide their arms at a different angle, hoping it would prevent him from collecting another cut, but instead of stopping the blow, he redirected it. Instead of stabbing through his chest, it wracked down over his shoulder and collarbone. If adrenaline hadn’t been muting his pain, he wouldn’t have been able to remain standing. He certainly wouldn’t have been able to get his leg up between them, kneeing the man between the legs.

The man fell onto the ground with an angry groan. Julian tried to scurry away from him, but as he passed, a hand wrapped tightly around his ankle. He barely registered it before he was yanked off his feet. He dug his nails into the hardwood floor, trying to drag himself away as the man easily pulled him closer.

The guy must have felt the knife still secured at Julian’s ankle, but he ignored it. Instead, he turned Julian onto his back and straddled his hips. Julian started clawing at the man’s chest, not willing to do this again. Not willing to not fight this again. But the man didn’t reach for his belt. Instead, his hands wrapped tightly around Julian’s neck.

“No,” Julian gasped, scratching the guy’s arms and trying to reach his face. He was shocked by how bloody his own hands were. It looked like he was missing a few fingernails.

The man’s grip tightened until Julian couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even manage a pained wheeze. And this was his nightmare. Well, one of his nightmares and one he’d had a lot longer than all the others.

It was just so intimate. They were staring into each other’s eyes and Julian could feel the guy’s breath on his face. The man would feel when his heart finally stopped – would watch the life leave his eyes. Julian would have preferred to be torn apart by dull teeth in rotten faces. There was no emotion there. The walkers were just following the very last instinct that survived their death. There was emotion in this; in being strangled. There was anger and hatred and… yeah, Julian could tell this guy was enjoying what he was doing.

The edges of his vision were darkening. His lungs still strained to take in air that just wouldn’t reach them, and this was it, he thought. He was going to die like this.

A shadow passed over Julian and he tried to follow it with his eyes, but he could barely keep them open. His arms dropped uselessly to his sides.

Suddenly, there was a dull thud and a shattering sound. And the man’s grip loosened. Julian took in a raw, gasping breath a moment before the man fell onto him. He felt small and crushed for only a second before there was a soft, feminine grunt beside him and Gianna shoved the guy off.

Julian gasped and wheezed. His throat and his chest hurt, and he had forgotten he was bleeding from multiple cuts, some more worrisome than others. Gianna was smoothing his hair, trying to guide his breathing with her own. His world was spinning, and he wanted to ask what had just happened. Why had the guy stopped? But he couldn’t. He just had to keep breathing even though it hurt.

He flinched violently when the man beside him groaned and moved like he was struggling to turn onto his stomach, so he could rise to his hands and knees. Without hesitation, and it was a beautiful sight, Gianna picked up one of Julian’s knives and stabbed it into the man’s eye. He couldn’t remember how many times he had told her to go for the eyes – she was weak and small. The softer target would give her necessary leverage.

Even as he wheezed and shook on the ground, Julian was damn proud of her.

“Jules,” she said softly, a tentative hand landing on his shoulder.

He closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your time :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First thing's first, all of the dialogue in this chapter comes from the show. It's Daryl's POV, so there just wasn't much I could change or add. Julian wasn't involved and he's how I change things, so... there's that. I modified some of Daryl's motives so it's still somewhat changed.

#### Episode 6x03

Daryl couldn’t help it; idle thoughts had never been his friend. In the past, when his mind wandered, it was to all the ways he had screwed up. Like when he didn’t find Sophia. Like when he failed Merle. But that wasn’t where his mind went, anymore. Hell, he wished he would just think about all of that, or the hundreds of other ways he had screwed up since all this had started. That would be easier.

Now, his thoughts always seemed to roam to Julian. When they were together – when he had Julian in his arms or when he only got to look at him from across the room with quick glances just hoping Rick wouldn’t notice – Daryl’s thoughts were occupied by how much he wanted to touch him or kiss him. Lately, those thoughts were leaning more toward how much he liked Julian. Which frustrated him, because he never wanted this thing between them to become what it had become; he had only wanted to kiss the guy. But he’d even take those frustrating thoughts back. Because this… this was worse.

He was riding down the road, trying to hear only the roaring of his motorcycle’s engine instead of the growls and groans of the hundreds of walkers following him. And all he could think about was Julian. But his thoughts weren’t about how Julian’s eyes both looked blue in the dark, even though one was greener than the other, or how his smile made Daryl’s heart speed up. They weren’t about how he could smile and cry at the same time and how much Daryl loved that about him even if he couldn’t understand it. Instead, his mind was filled with the way Julian whimpered and cried in his sleep. Instead, his every thought betrayed him, and he kept picturing faceless men holding Julian down and raping him.

Daryl gripped the handlebars of his motorcycle tightly. Julian knew what was coming, so did he fight them? Or did he let them take what they wanted to protect Gianna? What did those men say to him and how badly did it hurt? How did he pull himself up the next day and how did he ever manage to smile again, let alone smile so often and so brightly?

Daryl no longer knew what he liked most about Julian. He used to think it was his lips – they were full and soft and not a single other body part on another person had ever turned him on more. But when Julian smiled, especially at Daryl instead of the people around him, it made Daryl feel like less of a screw up than he knew he was and that became his favorite thing. Not just about Julian, but out of everything left in the world. He also loved the way Julian cared. And the way he laughed and how he stood up to Rick without being disrespectful about it and…

Was this love? Was this falling in love? Being in love?  

Daryl couldn’t think of any other reason for Julian to occupy his thoughts or for what happened to him to feel like this – as if it was happening again and again in Daryl’s mind. There was no other reason for the intense protectiveness he felt and the anxiety that came from just not being near enough to touch him.

It was quick, he knew, to have fallen in love, but what was the point of wasting time? Everything could end at any moment. He’d never felt this before. And, despite the jealousy and anger and feelings of not being good enough, Daryl loved this feeling. He had loved holding Julian that morning and he couldn’t wait to get back just to kiss him. To see his smile.

Was that love?

He was trying to keep himself focused on how wide Julian would smile when Daryl finally made it back to him. But he thought instead of the man who had kissed Julian while raping him, being gentle, at least in comparison to the other men, so Julian would eventually see him as an escape from the pain. It was manipulative and disgusting, and Daryl wanted to find that man the most, so he could rip him apart.

When he met up with Sasha and Abraham in their old car, he saw blood across Abraham’s face when he looked into the passenger’s window, but Abraham seemed fine, so Daryl didn’t dwell on it. Abraham was one of those people he knew could take care of himself.    

Suddenly, Rick’s voice erupted from the radio on Daryl’s chest.

“Tobin, it’s not stopping! Light it up. You hear me?”

Daryl glanced over at Abraham and Sasha. Sasha remained focused on the road ahead, but Abraham was looking down at his own radio. Daryl waited for Tobin to respond to Rick, but he didn’t, not even after some more prodding by Rick’s clearly panicked voice.

“Rick!” Daryl said into his radio.

“I’m here,” Rick responded. It sounded like he was running.

“What’s goin’ on back there?”

Daryl’s chest muscles tightened, and his shoulders tensed as Rick explained that the back half of the herd had broken off toward Alexandria due to a loud noise coming from the east. His heart started racing. The people he loved were back in that town – they were the whole reason he was out here with a herd of walkers figuratively breathing down his neck.

Daryl was about to tell Rick that Sasha, Abraham, and himself should keep going – the only thing worse than half the herd reaching Alexandria would be the entire thing making it there. But then, he remembered Julian rushing off the RV into a herd on their way to Alexandria and he knew Julian would do the same if those walkers made it to the community. He probably wouldn’t even think twice about it.

“I’m gonna gas it up, turn back,” Daryl said into the radio.

“We have it,” Rick responded. “Keep going.”

“They’re gonna need our help,” Daryl said, now thinking beyond Julian to Carol, Judith, Carl, Maggie, and all the others who were supposed to be safer behind walls.

He was supposed to be able to leave them there. He was supposed to take on the danger. Not them.

Rick told him they had to keep the front half of the herd moving. But was Daryl really needed for that? He looked over at Sasha and Abraham and thought they could handle it. If they didn’t try to turn it into a suicide mission, they were more than capable of continuing on without him.

“Not if it’s goin’ down, we don’t,” Daryl argued.

“The rest of that herd turns around, the bad back there gets worse,” Rick reasoned, not quite breathless but clearly still moving quickly, trying to stay ahead of the herd and reach Alexandria first.

Rick was right. Daryl knew that, he did. Rick was usually right, but Daryl’s reasoning was clouded by his feelings for Julian, spurred on by his fear for all their friends. But this instinct to do whatever was necessary to protect Julian had been exactly why he hadn’t wanted him to join the run. Daryl needed to think clearly, and he couldn’t when it came to Julian. And since he wasn’t thinking clearly now, he needed to trust Rick.

Rick called his name when he didn’t respond.

“Yeah, I heard ya,” Daryl said. He wasn’t going to argue further; Rick had other concerns.

The conversation died, and Daryl tried to think about their journey to Alexandria and how he hadn’t been able to find his friends water as they slowly died from dehydration. His anger at himself had boiled over that day in the form of a cigarette stubbed out on his hand. It was better, to think about that day and that small pain, than imagining Julian’s possible death, which had replaced the images of his rape and Daryl wasn’t sure which he hated more but he _hated_ this.

And he could picture it as if it was happening in front of him. He saw teeth tearing into Julian’s pale skin and shredding it. He pictured Julian covered in blood, which he’d seen before, but this time it was Julian’s own blood. He saw Julian motionless on the ground, then slowly rising and coming back without any life behind his stunning eyes.

There was a turn coming up and Daryl knew he could make it back to Alexandria if he took it. He asked Abraham if they’d gone out five miles yet. He thought that may be enough, for his part, at least. He thought he could double back now and get to Alexandria in time to help defend it and his too-brave-for-his-own-good boyfriend inside.

Abraham argued with him, but that was expected. They were supposed to take the herd twenty miles out. Five was settling for a lot less, but Daryl thought it was necessary. Daryl thought he needed to get back to Alexandria right this second and maybe he never should have left and maybe he should never leave again.

“You wanna go, we can’t stop you. But without you, they could stop us,” Sasha warned, motioning over her shoulder toward all the walkers behind them.

Daryl considered what she said. His eyes fell on an old, busted sign at the side of the road which advertised Alexandria. The home of everyone he loved.

The sign read ‘A New Start,’ and that’s truly what it had been for him. And he couldn’t. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t keep riding away from Alexandria. Not when the people back there were in such danger.

“Nah, I got faith in ya,” Daryl said to Abraham and Sasha before speeding up and riding away.

They shouted after him, but it didn’t matter. There was just too much to lose back home.

However, soon enough, Rick’s voice again came over the radio to tell them that he was going to get the back half of the herd moving in the right direction again. Daryl felt like an idiot. But that was what Julian did to him. He turned into an idiot and could never control himself, from the first time they kissed to right now when all he had been thinking about was getting back. Not just for Julian, but he had certainly been at the forefront of Daryl’s mind.

Rick then saying that there was gunfire coming from back home was just about the worst thing Daryl could hear at this point, even if Rick followed it up by saying he thought they could handle it. Daryl was starting to doubt the issue back home was with walkers. Their people would know better than to shoot guns just for some walkers while the herd was on the move. If they were using their guns, the threat was living.

His resolve would have only increased then, if not for what Rick said next.

“This is for them. Going back now, before it’s done, that’d be for us.”

Daryl took a moment to look over his shoulder. He was torn. He thought he should turn back, but maybe he should keep going? He never felt this indecisive before.

Daryl decided it couldn’t be love, because he hated Julian for doing this to him.

The sound of gunfire loud and clear over the radio broke Daryl’s train of thought. All he could think now was that his best friend was in trouble. His best friend and his leader, and these days he didn’t know which was more important.

“Rick!?”

His motorcycle had never felt so loud.

“Rick!?”

Daryl pulled to the side of the road. There was too much happening, and he needed to focus on the radio.

“Rick?”

He was breathing heavily. This was bad. All of this was bad.

“Rick?”

And he had been so happy this morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was a bit of a mess, but when I was going over it with ItCouldAllBeForNothingTomorrow, they told me it worked, because Daryl's a bit of a mess, and I fell in love with the messiness, so... 
> 
> Happy New Year :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here, we get a quick flashback to when Julian was a teenager, and I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

“Jules!”

That sounded like Gianna. But far away. Further than he usually liked her to get.

“Jules!”

He didn’t feel like he was there, anymore.

“Julian!”

Rick. That was Rick. Julian tried to pull himself away from the nothing around him.  

“Julian?”

He was drinking, when Rick found him. Rick was wearing his uniform, holding his hat in one hand and a flashlight in the other. He sighed in relief when the light found Julian’s face.

“Thought you’d be here,” Rick said. His light dropped down, glinting off the bottle in Julian’s hand. “This is where ya go when ya wanna drink.”

Julian looked around the old barn on his father’s property. With the man in jail, it was the only building on the 50-acre property Julian could still get into. “How’d ya even know to come lookin’ for me?”

“Steph called up Lori, very upset ‘cause ya disappeared with two of Marty’s six-packs,” Rick said. He was clearly trying to hide how worried that news had made him. But, sometimes, no matter how hard he tried, what he truly felt slipped through. It was happening less and less lately. Julian almost felt proud to elicit such a response.

“You sound damn near distraught,” Julian chuckled. “Calm down, man. It ain’t like I drink often.”

“But when ya drink, you drink a lot.”

Julian lifted the bottle and finished off the three gulps left in it, purposefully emphasizing Rick’s statement. He was bitter this night. Angry, even.

Rick sighed, disappointed this time. Julian rarely heard that disappointment from Rick aimed toward him. It stung. He grabbed another bottle of beer.

“Stick around, Deputy Grimes,” he said, twisting the cap off. “A few more of these and my stutter comes back.”

Rick looked around the mostly empty barn. In the dim light, Julian thought he saw something skitter across the ground. Either a large spider or a small rat.

“Turn that shit off,” Julian muttered. “You’re scarin’ the locals.”

“Come on, kid,” Rick said. “I’m takin’ ya home.”

Julian scoffed. “Home?”

“Back to the Johnsons, at least,” Rick tried.

“I ain’t goin’ back there,” Julian replied.

“They hurt ya?”

“It ain’t always ‘bout that.”

“If ya can’t give me a reason not to, I gotta take ya back.”

“You’re off duty, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then, ya don’t gotta do shit.”

Rick slowly crouched in front of him, clicking the flashlight off. “What happened, Julian?”

Julian chugged his beer until there was barely any left. He coughed momentarily before bringing the bottle back to his lips. But Rick quickly grabbed it from him and set it down out of his reach.

“Marty found me with a guy,” Julian mumbled, simply grabbing another, unopened beer. “I know what kinda Christians those two are and I tried. I tried to hide how freaking gay I am, but they know now, and Marty wants me out of his house and Steph wants me in conversion therapy over the summer. But hell, Grimes, you might agree with ‘em. It ain’t like we’ve ever talked ‘bout how I’m a fag and whatnot.”

“I don’t agree with them,” Rick said quietly. "And don't call yourself that."

“The guy’s not even my boyfriend.” Julian opened his beer. “He’s some straight asshole who just wanted his dick sucked. But, last week, my boyfriend cheated on me, so… I just… I…”

Julian stopped talking because his eyes were tearing up and it was affecting his voice.

“I uh, I didn’t know ya had a boyfriend,” Rick replied awkwardly. He very obviously didn’t want to be having this conversation.

“That’s ‘cause I don’t tell ya shit,” Julian declared. “Last thing I need is you huntin’ down my boyfriends. Also, I go through ‘em quick, so… I don’t need ya bein’ as ashamed of me as you should be.”

“Julian,” Rick sighed.

“I’m a whore,” Julian said, in a very matter-of-fact way.

Rick stood suddenly. “Right, come on. You’ll stay with us ‘til we find ya another family.”

“There ain’t another family, Grimes,” Julian said. “Not in King’s County. There ain’t anymore strings for you to pull. If I don’t make this work, they’re sendin’ me back to that group home.”

“That’s three hours away.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried ‘bout.” Julian rolled his eyes. “I was constantly fightin’ to keep from gettin’ raped, ‘cause I’m prettier than most of those assholes can stand, and the bastard runnin’ the place decided I was depressed and forced pills down my throat every mornin’ and my roommate freakin’ hung himself, but yeah, I’m _totally_ worried ‘bout livin’ a few hours from ya. That’s _definitely_ my biggest concern.”

“Ya don’t have to be an ass ‘bout it,” Rick replied.

“No, actually, today, I do,” Julian snapped. “Tomorrow, I’ll be back to my usual chipper self. That guy – _that_ Julian, he’ll be fine. He’ll psych himself up for a summer of havin’ the gay tortured outta him and he’ll tell ya I’m just a few years from bein’ on my own and he’ll be some God damn pleasant company. But today. _Tonight?_ Tonight, I’m the kinda guy who wonders why this had to be my life. Why I’m _this_ person of all the persons I coulda been… I’m that Julian tonight and he doesn’t really want company.”

Rick stared down at him, seemingly at a loss for words. Julian wasn’t sure he had ever shown this side of himself to Rick. Rick had certainly seen glimpses of it. But this was Julian at his most pathetic and Rick had never been around for that before. He almost expected Rick to walk away. Instead, Rick slowly sat beside him. Not standing or crouching. Rick lowered to his level and when Julian looked over he couldn’t avoid Rick’s eyes like he’d been doing so far.

“This ain’t just ‘bout Marty and Steph, is it?” Rick asked.

Julian would have taken a drink if doing so was possible with a clenched jaw.

“Talk to me, kid,” Rick pried. “You love talkin’.”

“It’s just been one of those days, Grimes,” Julian muttered. “One of those days where I’m just acutely aware of how alone I am.”

“Ya ain’t alone,” Rick tried.

“Bullshit.”

“Julian, I-”

“Carl’s gonna hate ya, one day.”

Rick looked taken aback. His brow furrowed, and his voice was tight when he made himself ask, “What?”

“You’re strict, ya know? And he’s your son. You’re gonna be able to stop him from doin’ the things you just told me not to do. And he’s gonna hate ya for it sometimes and I just…”

Julian stopped and finally set his beer down. He wiped frantically at his eyes, though the tears hadn’t come yet.

“I love Carl,” Julian said quickly. “Ya know I love Carl. But sometimes, I just… he’s never gonna know, ya know? He’s never gonna know how God damn lucky he is that he was born wanted and loved. Him and millions of kids like him… they’re so lucky…”

Julian sighed shakily, looking over at Rick.

“Dad’s first parole hearin’ is comin’ up. One of his lawyers actually came to school today, to tell me dad’s changed and wants to prove it to me and if I just… apparently my statement at the hearin’ could go a long way to gettin’ him out,” Julian finally explained. Tears were falling down his cheeks.

Rick hesitated before asking, “Ya thinkin’ you’re gonna do it?”

“Why do ya think I’m tryin’ to drink myself into an early grave? I don’t… I can’t forgive him, but I don’t… want to betray him either. I just… I don’t want to make this choice, okay?”

“I’ll make it for ya, then: no.”

“This ain’t somethin’ you really get a say in.”

“I’m tellin’ ya, right now, Julian. You ain’t doin’ _anything_ for that man.”

“You. Are. Not. My. Dad.”

“I’m the closest you got.”

“No, actually, he is.”

“Come on, kid. You’re hurtin’ right now, and you’re sayin’ some shit, but you really believe that? That he’s been more of a dad to ya than I’ve been?”

“It don’t really matter,” Julian said. “Ain’t like either one of ya ever wanted me.”

“No, Julian. That’s-”

“Shut up,” Julian sighed. “Just… shut up. Go away.”

Rick didn’t move. Julian almost felt bad for what he said. Of course, Rick had been more of a father to him than his own dad, or any of the foster fathers he had been given to. There was not a single doubt in his mind about that. But he couldn’t say that. Not on _this_ night, feeling _this_ way.

“I just look at kids like Carl and I… I realize I don’t even know what it’s like, to be wanted. To belong. Does it feel warm? I look at happy people and they look like it feels _warm_.”

Rick didn’t say anything. Julian even paused to give him time to answer, but his silence felt like answer enough.

It was warm.

“Think it’ll ever be like that for me?” Julian stared straight ahead. “Where the people who have me actually want me?”

“I hope so, kid.” Rick sounded defeated. Julian didn’t bother looking over, even though when Rick spoke, his voice broke like he was crying too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I liked it so much I almost removed it from this to try and make it into its own original short story. But it's a specific scene set for very specific characters, and I just thought it would be a waste to have it be anyone but Rick and Julian. 
> 
> Anyway, I know it's a little different from everything else since it's a flashback, but it felt right. Let me know what you think <3


	6. Chapter 6

#### Episode 6x05

The first thing Julian was aware of was how badly his head hurt. It felt like his worst hangover magnified by ten. He groaned softly and tried to squirm away from the pain.

“Whoa, Jules,” a familiar voice said, clearly aiming for comforting but sounding too panicked to achieve it.

Julian blinked. A hand was holding him gently in place and he was suddenly aware of more than his headache. His entire body ached. There was a pain that throbbed and another that felt like something had been torn in his arm. There was a mild stinging and a deep bruising. His limbs felt heavy. He tried to swallow but his mouth was too dry. It almost felt like he was choking on nothing and he started coughing, which hurt. God, did it hurt.

And it all felt so damn familiar.

He started gasping, reaching for his neck. It still felt like he couldn’t breathe. Like hands were squeezing his throat shut.

Rick was instantly at his side. Carl was at the foot of the bed. Julian’s vision was incredibly blurry, but he’d recognize the vague shape of Rick’s deputy hat on Carl’s head any day. Gianna stood next to him, visibly straining to keep herself from pushing Denise or Rick out of the way so she could be close enough to comfort Julian too. As it was, she just put her hand on his ankle and squeezed, which was really helping to ground him. Rick was gripping his shoulder and Denise was rubbing his arm, but Gianna’s hand on his ankle was what he focused on.

He wished he could see her face clearly. He wanted to make sure she was okay, because he didn’t remember her being okay. He remembered running toward a house with her inside. He remembered being choked and it suddenly stopping. Everything else was just as blurry as his vision.

“You’re okay,” Denise said, drawing his eyes back to her. “It’s okay. Calm down.”

His breath rattled in and out of his chest, but his heart wasn’t racing anymore, and he wasn’t struggling for air. Breathing wasn’t as easy as it should be, but he didn’t feel like he was moments from suffocating anymore.

“There you go,” Denise said comfortingly. He thought she might be smiling at him.

“Wh-” Julian just wanted to ask what had happened but couldn’t. It hurt so badly. His throat was sore but trying to speak caused a pain that went all the way to his chest and he just started wheezing, panic rising again.

“It’s okay,” Denise said. “You don’t have to talk. We’ll get you something to write on.”

Julian turned a little more toward Rick. “Gianna. Is she okay?” he signed, spelling out her name, then pointing to her. He didn’t know much sign language. He and Rick had just learned enough to barely communicate during the time he was mute.

Rick sat silent for a moment, blinking a few times, before saying, “Again?”

“Is she okay?”

“Oh. Yeah. Just got a cut on her hand,” Rick answered.

“How?” Julian asked.

“She, uh, hit the guy who was chokin’ ya with a vase. It broke and cut her hand is all. She’s fine.”

“Really, I am,” Gianna said quickly.

“Judith?” Julian spelled out.

“Fine. At home with Carol.”

Julian looked around. “Daryl?”

“He’s still out there, leadin’ the herd away,” Rick answered.

Julian’s eyes widened. “What? Practice. Practice.”

“One of the trucks blocking the herd from getting to Alexandria fell and opened up the path. We had no choice. We had to skip practice and jump right into it,” Rick explained. “Things were going okay – we lost Carter, but the herd was movin’ along. Then, the noise back here dragged half of ‘em our way..”

“They’re surrounding us,” Carl added, in case that wasn’t clear.

Rick glanced at Carl before saying, "Last I heard, everythin’ was goin’ just fine with Daryl and them. They’ll be back soon, and they’ll lead the rest of the herd away

Julian closed his eyes and laid his head back, just taking a moment to focus on his breathing. On how his lungs expanded, even if they did so shakily. Because that meant he was alive. After all the injuries he had suffered over time, even the ones that could have killed him, _this_ was the first time he really thought he was going to die. It was the first time he had closed his eyes expecting not to open them and he just needed to take a moment. He told himself the pain was just a reminder that he was, in fact, alive, and it would fade, eventually, and he’d be fine… but he’d never been so scared. He had been starved and beaten and even choked before. He had watched a group of men stand around arguing over who would rape him first. And still, he had never been so scared.

“Julian?” Denise said.

He opened his eyes. He could almost make out a detail or two of Denise’s face.

“You have stitches here, here, and here.” Denise pointed to his left side at about his sixth rib, then to his left upper arm, and the right side of his collarbone. “We gave you some blood, but you lost a lot, so you may feel dizzy or weak. We’ll keep an eye on your breathing, of course, but I think it’s just going to take some time to heal.”

Julian nodded. That all made sense. He almost remembered receiving all the injuries she mentioned.

He was already breathing better. The wheezing wasn’t so loud.

“Here.”

Rick handed him some water. He drank it carefully. It hurt but he had needed it. He wondered how long he could go without eating as he handed the cup back over to Rick.

“Tired,” he signed to Rick.

“Then, sleep, kid,” Rick replied with a smile that told Julian he was just as tired. “We’ll be here when ya wake up.”

Julian wanted to argue. He wanted to say that none of them should spend the night sleeping at his bedside. But that was complicated to sign, and he didn’t know half the signs it would take to communicate it. And he was exhausted. He didn’t know how long he had been unconscious, but it felt like he had been awake for days. 

He slept and he dreamed. The man who nearly choked him to death was everywhere. There were at least six of him. He held Julian down and started ripping off his clothes. Daryl was there. Just standing over them, but not looking. He was warped and didn’t look like himself. But it was Daryl.

The man in his dream stabbed him. Julian whimpered loudly and jerked awake. His eyes shot open as he gasped in pain. Blood blossomed across the formerly crisp, white bandage over the cut on his side.

Tears in his eyes, Julian pressed his hand hard over the reopened gash. It didn’t concern him, though Denise came running to his bedside. No, what upset Julian was that his nightmares were back, and it felt like they were just taunting him now. Using Daryl to hurt him. It felt like fighting with his own brain and losing spectacularly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's kinda short, but I didn't start specifically trying to write longer chapters until recently, and I wrote this chapter months ago. There are a few ones about this length left before we get into me trying to give more instead of just ending where it feels right (though, sometimes I still do that). 
> 
> I hope everyone's still enjoying this. I certainly didn't mean to keep Julian and Daryl apart for so long, but ItCouldAllBeForNothingTomorrow helped me focus on Julian's relationship with other characters while Daryl is away. I hope you guys are still enjoying it. Maggie gets some time to shine in the next couple of chapters and I'm pretty happy with that.


	7. Chapter 7

Julian knew why the nightmares were back. Sometimes, all it took was something to trigger them. Last time, it had been the storm and the barn. This time, it had been the way the man had gotten on top of him to strangle him.

He didn’t even have hope that it was just one random nightmare. Not with the way he felt – the dread that made his stomach heavy. He felt _off_ and knew the next time he closed his eyes, he would re-live the second-worst day of his life again in some form. And he was so tired. He wasn’t sure how long he could force his eyes to stay open.

“I heard you talking and crying in your sleep,” Denise stated, causing Julian’s face to flush. “I was coming over to wake you up, it was getting so bad, when you sat up so fast you tore your stitches open.”

Julian carefully said, “Sorry.”

His voice was small. Raspy. Weak. Pained. But it came out and that was a relief, lifting a heavy weight from both him and Denise.

“Well, it’s dumb to apologize,” Denise said with a smile, glancing up from where she was putting in new stitches. “But what were you dreaming about?”

Julian shook his head. “Just… clowns.”

“Does it hurt to talk? Maybe you shouldn’t,” Denise said.

“Probably,” Julian agreed.

He tried to hold back the rush of anxiety and sadness that followed nightmares like that, but as Denise finished up the stitches, he just stared at the ceiling with tears falling down his cheeks. She saw and didn’t know what to say. She finished and cleaned the area around the cut.

“I um… I couldn’t save Holly,” Denise said as she stepped back from Julian. “She got hurt during the attack and I tried but I couldn’t save her.”

“Sorry,” Julian wheezed.

“But I saved Scott.” Denise smiled a little. “And you. I was sure both of you would die. And I thought Rick would kill me, if I lost you, but he just came in here and sat silently by your side. Then, someone needed him like they always do and all he said to me before leaving was ‘I trust you’ and look. You’re alive.”

Julian smiled a little. God, he loved Denise. “That’s ‘cause… you’re a kickass doctor.”

“It’s because Rick and Tara believed in me when I wanted to give up,” Denise said. “Now, no more talking – your poor voice.”

Julian nodded and said nothing.

“Also, try to… sleep gentler,” Denise instructed, pointing at his freshly stitched cut.

He turned his head and closed his eyes as if he was going to take her advice but as soon as he heard her walk away his eyes were open, fixated on the ceiling again. He waited for the ache in his stomach to settle down before he slowly pushed himself up and turned so his feet were hanging off the bed.

Rick was there, slouched in an uncomfortable chair, and he slept through all of that without flinching. Julian marveled at it, wondering if Rick was always a heavy sleeper or if he was just exceptionally exhausted.

Julian moved as carefully and silently as possible as he stood off the bed, but still felt an uncomfortable tugging at both the wounds on his torso. Denise would be pissed if he popped anymore stitches, so he moved gingerly, grabbing onto whatever was nearby to support himself. He passed Scott’s bed and wondered momentarily where Denise had gone to before he was out of the infirmary.

He could hear the walkers outside the walls. They were growling and groaning and pressing against the metal. It drew him toward the gate. How could he ignore a sound like that? He stood, about a foot away, and just listened. He didn’t need to see the mass of walkers to know it was more than he’d ever had to deal with at once.

_And this was only half?_ he thought.

“Julian?”

He slowly maneuvered around. Maggie and Aaron were walking hurriedly toward him.

“What are ya doin’?” Maggie asked, either angry or concerned or a little bit of both.

“Had a nightmare,” Julian admitted, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end from the sounds of the herd behind him. Maggie and Aaron both grimaced at the strain of his quiet voice. “Daryl told… me to tell someone. I’m… t-tellin’ you.”

“Okay,” Maggie said gently, stepping forward as if to catch Julian. He wondered if he looked unsteady. He didn’t feel it, but he knew it was more than possible. “How about we sleep in my room, tonight?”

Julian nodded weakly. Maggie asked Aaron to tell Denise where Julian would be, and she said a quick good night to Aaron before she led Julian back toward their houses.

“You th-think they… they’re dead?” Julian asked softly, thinking of Glenn and Daryl first, but Abraham and Sasha next. He spared a thought for Nicholas too, but didn’t know the guy enough to really care when comparing him to the others who hadn’t made it back yet. “The ones… still out there?”

“No,” Maggie answered, giving him a very small smile. “I don’t think they’re dead.”

“Me either,” Julian mumbled. “God, I… miss Daryl.”

Maggie glanced at him curiously before saying, “He’ll be back.”

That night, Maggie laid with her arm over Julian. He slept, and she watched him. She couldn’t sleep, not with Glenn still missing. So, she watched Julian and saw the moment his nightmare started. First, he twitched a little and moved his lips but said nothing. She wasn’t sure if it was necessary to wake him at that point. She kept watching and she heard when he said, “Please.” She shook him to wake him, feeling his tense muscles.

He woke, but it wasn’t violent and none of his stitches ripped. It was clear that it took him a moment to recognize Maggie and remember where he was. Then he relaxed. She smiled and put her hand on his cheek.

“Th-thanks,” he whispered in his broken voice.

“Anytime,” she replied, brushing the hair out of his face.

“You’re motherin’ me.”

“I am. But it’s good practice ‘cause I’m pregnant.”

Julian grinned. It was such a welcome sight, Maggie’s eyes instantly teared up.

“That’s great,” he said without any hesitation.

Maggie laughed softly. “It is. It’s also kinda scary.”

“Especially with…without Glenn here.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ll do great… even without him,” Julian said. “But he’s g-gonna come back.”

“You’ll help, right?” Maggie asked.

Julian nodded. “Try to stop me.”

“Not a chance,” Maggie put her arm back over him. “Now, go back to sleep.”

“I’m scared,” Julian whispered.

“I know.” Maggie held onto him a little tighter. “But we’re going to be okay.”

“I-if we’re not?”

Maggie thought about it for a moment before saying, “At least, we’ll be together. You shouldn’t underestimate just being together.”

When multiple days had passed with no sign of Daryl, Sasha, and Abraham, or Glenn and Nicholas, Julian knew Maggie was right. He had been underestimating just being together. Because he would give anything for any one of them to return. He was thankful for Maggie. She stood watch a lot, waiting for a sign from Glenn. But she made sure to find Julian every night, whether he was with Denise in the infirmary or just at home with Gianna. She was sleeping more, but lightly. She felt as soon as Julian started moving and quickly woke him.

He loved that she didn’t ask any questions. She just sat up with him until he calmed down enough to try sleeping again. Still, most nights, he couldn’t manage to fall back asleep. Too often, he laid awake with her arm slung over him protectively for hours, watching the window slowly brighten.

This morning, he stared at her face with a small smile, despite his growing exhaustion. She was tortured, right now, without Glenn and without knowing exactly what had happened to him. No matter what Julian felt for Daryl, it didn’t reach what she felt for Glenn, so he didn’t understand. He had a glimmer of understanding, but she was, for sure, in love with Glenn, married to him, and pregnant with their child. It was worse, for her. And yet, she still made sure to be there for Julian, caring for him selflessly.

“You’ll make a great mom,” he whispered, slipping out from beneath her arm.

His nightmare from that night was a bit fuzzy. He remembered Daryl being there, but in Gianna’s place. He wasn’t screaming like she had been. He wasn’t crying. He had just been watching and Julian struggled harder in the dream than he actually had. Just before Maggie woke him, someone else kissed Julian’s lips and there was an animalistic growl from where Daryl had been a moment before.

Julian ran his fingers through his hair. He missed Daryl. He loved Maggie and was thankful for her, but he wanted Daryl. He couldn’t help himself.

Julian was not allowed to do much. He protested when Denise told him to either return to his bed in the infirmary or leave because she was not putting him to work. And he protested when Rosita refused to let him take part in her machete lesson. Carol saw him walking down the street looking for something to do and she ordered him back to the house. He didn’t argue, turning around and walking toward the house. But as soon as he looked over his shoulder and no longer saw Carol, he continued looking for something to do or someone to be with for a while. But the only person he found was Rick, putting wooden boards up on the wall. Julian tilted his head, noticing blood leaking through a hole in the wall.

“Can I help?” Julian asked. His voice was stronger, but still wrong. Still somewhat breathless and raspy.

“No.” Rick didn’t even look at him.

Julian looked down at his feet. He sighed softly. That’s when Rick turned toward him.

“You okay, kid?” Rick asked, wiping sweat from his brow.

“Are you mad at me?”

“For?”

“Leaving the house? Not staying with Carol?”

Rick walked toward him. “Am I okay with what ya did? No. It was dumb. You’re not dumb, Julian, so you have no excuse when you do dumb things.”

Julian bit the inside of his cheek so Rick couldn’t see it and call him out for it.

“But I ain’t mad,” Rick sighed. “I’m just glad you’re okay. I got here, and people were whispering behind my back ‘bout how you were dead. Can’t get mad after that kinda thing. There’s just too much relief.”

“Oh…” Julian watched the blood stream out of the hole.

“You shouldn’t be walking ‘round,” Rick then said, pointing back in the direction of the house. “Go home and rest.”

“Yeah, about that. I’m not doing the whole resting thing well, lately. See, the guy who attacked me kinda… he got on me in a way that was like one of…” Julian’s eyes went wide.

“One of what?” Rick asked after a moment.

Julian took a step back. “Never mind,” he said, an obvious panicked edge to his voice. “You’re working. I’ll see you later.”

Julian turned and quickly walked away.

“Julian,” Rick said, but Julian did not acknowledge it.

His hands were shaking. He barely kept himself from running away from Rick.

He didn’t know why it frightened him so much for Rick to know the truth. The thought of it just made his chest seize in panic. Rick had seen Julian nearly killed by his father and basically ruined by foster parents. He knew Julian had been raped. None of it changed how Rick looked at him, but Julian was so worried that this would.

Julian was wandering aimlessly around the community when he heard gunshots. He took off running in the direction of the sound.     When he arrived at the wall, it was just in time to see Tara going over. He gasped loudly and scrambled up onto the lookout tower she had been on. However, when up there, he realized Tara hadn’t gone over completely; she was holding herself up and firing her gun at the walkers surrounding…

“Spencer?!” Julian called, barely registering Rick and Tobin trying to pull the rope Spencer was dangling from over the wall and, in the process, pull Spencer to safety because, for some reason, the guy was on the wrong side of the wall with walkers reaching for him.

Michonne was at Julian’s side shortly. “What the hell is this?” he asked her.

She shook her head like she couldn’t believe the stupidity surrounding her.

As soon as Spencer was back on the safe side of the wall, lying on the lookout tower where Rick, Tobin, and, now, Morgan were standing, Julian reached to help Tara back to safety. Michonne gently pushed him out of the way and got Tara onto the platform herself. He realized, as Michonne’s muscles flexed, that she had been right to not let him help. It would have been very unlikely that his stitches would have remained intact had he strained his upper body like she did.

While Julian would have turned his anger on Spencer, Rick yelled at Tara for risking her life for “these people.” Julian backed down the platform, hoping Rick didn’t see him. He didn’t need any of that anger being thrown his way and he managed to slip away before Rick had finished shouting at Tara. Julian glanced over his shoulder to see Tara flipping Rick off, and he couldn’t help but smile at her.

With the chaos surrounding Spencer and Tara over, Julian resumed his walk around the community, trying to avoid eye contact with everyone as his thoughts raced. He remembered how it felt to be held down and helpless. He didn’t fight in the beginning because he had been afraid they would hurt Gianna if he did, but as the night went on and they kept going at him his instincts took over and he tried to claw at them or crawl away. By the end, he had been exhausted.

He had barely been able to move, but he still forced himself to stand. He knew the smartest thing to do would have been to leave right then and there before risking them waking up. But he hadn’t done that. One of the men had been particularly brutal, leaving Julian bruised and bleeding. Julian slit his throat and listened to him gurgle like it was music. The guy sleeping next to the first hadn’t stood out. He hadn’t been particularly rough or gentle and he hadn’t kissed Julian, but he was there, so Julian leaned over and stabbed the bloody knife into the guy’s chest while covering his mouth. The guy’s eyes had snapped open, wide and afraid. Julian stared into those eyes until they went blank.

He hadn’t destroyed the two men’s brains. He thought that was why he sometimes dreamed of the men as walkers. He wondered all the time if the ones he left alive woke in time to put their friends down, or if they woke to screams as their fallen friends tore into one or more of them.

Sometimes, Julian wondered if what he had done was unforgivable. Those men had done terrible things to him. But had he gone too far for his revenge? Was killing someone via their turned friend acceptable? He hated them, so much, for what they did. But he couldn’t stop himself from thinking that he had done something terrible too.

That was it. That was what he didn’t want Rick to know. Julian stopped walking and stared into the distance.

Rick had seen him through hell. Never once did he look at Julian differently or pity him. Never once did Rick judge him. No matter what Julian thought about himself – that he was weak or deserving of the pain – Rick never thought less of him or judged him. Rick always loved him, without reason.

Julian turned around. He was going to tell Rick. Because Rick was the best dad he’d ever had, and Julian knew in that moment that he could do it. He could trust Rick with this.

Rick was still working on the wall, with Tobin’s help, when Julian reached him. Julian took a deep breath, preparing himself. But then, there was something strange in the edge of his vision. Something bright, fake green against the darker greens of nature. He looked up with a furrowed brow to see a bunch of balloons slowly rising. He was confused, at first, because it was such an out of place sight. It would have caught his attention even in the old world, but now it was one of the weirdest things he had ever seen.

_They took balloons_ , he thought suddenly. _They took balloons on the run!_

There were rushed footsteps behind him. Julian turned around to see Maggie running toward them and he smiled for her. Glenn had said, if he survived, he’d send some sort of signal and there it was, floating into the sky until barely visible.

“That’s Glenn,” Maggie said a bit breathlessly with so much hope in her voice that it would be heartbreaking if she was wrong. “That’s Glenn.”

Julian decided then that his conversation with Rick could wait for another day. There was no need to ruin this moment.

The loud creaking startled him. He looked up because that’s where it sounded like it had originated from.

The clocktower was falling toward them.

“Oh shit,” he whispered.

The clocktower was falling!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me, please. Daryl's coming back soon. I almost cut half this chapter to get him back sooner, but I love Maggie and Julian's friendship, guys, and couldn't bring myself to do it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's kinda long, because it was about three chapters before I decided I wanted less space between now and Daryl's return.

#### Episode 6x08

Julian wasn’t sure if the clocktower collapsing onto the wall was truly the loudest thing he’d ever heard, but it felt like it. It rumbled in his chest as he stood frozen in the dust that had kicked up from the crash. He blinked slowly. It was so loud that, in the following moment, he wondered if it had somehow caused him to go deaf. But then, he heard the growling.

“Oh my god,” he muttered softly.

The wall was collapsed.

The walkers that were just outside the walls were now staggering their way inside through the broken area and Julian was still frozen.

_This is the end_ , he kept thinking. _This is the end._

There were just too many walkers and too many people. His eyes swept over the walkers and he realized he might survive – he had a strategy for this kind of thing, after all – but the rest of the people in his new community probably wouldn’t be so lucky.

Rick was yelling for everyone to get back to their homes. Julian took a quick few steps back to do as Rick ordered, but then he stumbled to a halt as he thought, _Where’s Gianna?_

His head snapped to the side. When he had last passed the house, Gianna was leaving. He hadn’t bothered to ask where she was going.

Julian pulled out two knives and took a deep, calming breath. Panicking would do him no good and the walkers were getting close enough to be a problem.

Julian spared Rick a glance. He was shooting walkers. Maybe to give the others time. But he was going to get himself killed. Julian was torn between helping Rick and trying to reach Gianna. It wasn’t until he saw Deanna approaching Rick that he made the decision to find Gianna – Rick had enough help for the moment. (At least, that was what Julian told himself to ease the guilt.)

He stabbed the nearest walker and slashed through a second’s eyes when it stumbled too close. He hadn’t moved quickly enough to stay in front of the herd, so he forced himself to stop thinking and just act on instinct. He shoved walkers out of his way, crouching so he was not jaw level with most of them.

Julian made the mistake of looking over his shoulder as he opened the door of the pantry. He just wanted to see some sign that Rick and Carl and Tara and all the people outside their homes had made it to safety. He didn’t see any evidence of that, however, because all he saw was the rotting face of what he thought was a woman, teeth gnashing.

It fell against him and he stabbed his knife into its chest, using that to keep it away from his face as he leaned away from it. He was trying to bring up his other knife, but his arm was pressed awkwardly between the walker and the door, when there was a gunshot so close it made his ears ring and _hurt_. The walker that had been inches from biting him fell to the side. Julian rushed inside past Olivia, still holding a pistol up, kind of awkwardly.

Once inside, he tugged Olivia away from the door and quickly closed it. He leaned back against the door, panting and wheezing, clutching his chest.

“Thanks,” he said, loudly to compensate for the buzzing in his ears.

Olivia nodded. She was pale and shaking but she had just saved his life despite her fear and Julian admired that. Or, he would, later. When he had time.

“Where’s Gianna?” he asked, feeling walkers hitting against the door with their atrophied limbs.

“Sh-she’s not here,” Olivia answered. “She… just left.”

“Just left?” Julian whimpered. “Like… she’s out there, now?”

Olivia nodded again before saying, “She left… just a few minutes ago.”

“Oh God,” Julian groaned.

“I’m sure she made it somewhere safe,” Olivia said softly.

Julian shook his head. “You don’t get it. If we have to fight our way out of here, she’s dead without me.”

“You don’t know that,” Olivia said. “There are a lot of other people who can protect her here. Right?”

Julian bit his bottom lip hard. He knew Olivia was right. But, would they pick Gianna? Would they save her above all else the way he would? Would they die for her?

“She was going home?” Julian asked, putting his knives away.

“You can’t go out there,” Olivia said pleadingly.

“I can, actually. The question is if I should, and the answer is no, I shouldn’t. But I’m going to.”

“You’ll be killed.”

“Nah. I got this.”

“How? There’s an army of them,” Olivia argued. Julian realized she was still holding the gun up like she was going to shoot it.

“Stay low.” Julian pushed her arms down so the gun was aimed toward the ground. “No guns – it draws them to you. Kill only what you have to, because killing more than that slows you down. You have to move fast, by the way. Did I mention that? Stay low, stay quick, and stay silent.”

“You’re still hurt,” Olivia said like his muscles weren’t screaming the same sentiment at him.

“I’m going, Olivia,” Julian said with determination.

The pounding on the door had subsided a bit – now it just felt like the walkers might be bouncing off it. Julian finally felt comfortable stepping away from it, no longer worried the gunshot may have riled the walkers up enough to cause them to pile against the door until it broke down. They weren’t the only ones shooting guns, so that probably helped spread the herd out, allowing Olivia to get away with the single gunshot.

Julian made his way into the armory. He just glanced over toward the window because he was passing it. But the continuous parade of walkers moving past the window caused him to stop in his tracks. He wished he could say it was startling, the stark contrast between the rotting corpses walking down the streets and the vibrant houses of Alexandria. But this was what he was used to. This is what he had lived with before and it was still scary, but not unfamiliar, even after the time they’d spent in Alexandria.

Julian knew the world that was outside the window. It made more sense than the one they had been living in before, with its homes and families and happiness.

Olivia slowly followed him, walking into the armory in time to see him stuffing a gun into the back of his waistband.

“I thought you didn’t use guns,” Olivia said quietly.

Julian put another one at the front of his jeans. “That’s plan A. These are plan B.”

“Gianna wouldn’t want you killing yourself for her,” Olivia said, like she really knew what she was talking about.

Julian looked over at her in surprise. He forgot that Gianna had made friends with people he barely knew. Gianna and Olivia had gotten to know each other when Gianna would pick up the ingredients for the food they made as a part of her job. Then they bonded over the books Olivia would lend to Gianna. He remembered a night when Gianna got home hours later than usual only to tell Julian she had been talking with Olivia the whole time about the most recent book she had read. Apparently, they both loved a certain character that had died by the end and they commiserated over the fictional loss.

Olivia and Gianna were friends. Julian knew that, but he hadn’t realized that they were good friends until this moment.

“I’m not losing her,” he said.

Olivia looked around. She was shaking, made most obvious by the trembling gun in her hand.

“You’re really going out there?” she asked.

“Yes,” Julian answered.

“So… you’re leaving me?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to be alone here,” Olivia admitted.

“Well, you can come with me, but there are some rules,” Julian said, grabbing another pistol. “If you go with me, you stay on my ass. I need to feel your breath on my neck. And you do whatever I do or whatever I tell you to do; what I tell you to do overriding what I do. If I crouch, you crouch. If I tell you to run for it, you run for it. Don’t try to kill anything – let me do that unless one of us is about to be bit on something that can’t be chopped off. Hear me?”

Olivia nodded, eyes wide.

Julian shoved a small pistol into his pocket. “I’ve never done this in such a big herd confined to such a small space. I could die out there and if you come with me, you could too. You have until I reach the door to decide what you want to do.”

Right before walking out of the armory, Julian grabbed a machete hanging on the wall.

Julian led Olivia back to the door where the thudding had decreased even more, making Julian feel better. He was pretty sure he would be able to get the door open now that the walkers weren’t crowded around it.

He grabbed the doorknob and looked over his shoulder at Olivia. “You coming or not?”

Olivia just nodded. Julian thought she was more afraid of being alone and dying alone than the herd of walkers. He handed her the machete, hoping that if she had to kill walkers, it would be easier for her to use a long weapon, so she wouldn’t have to get too close to make it effective.

Once outside, Olivia was basically glued to his back, just as he requested. Gianna usually fell a step or two back every once in a while, so Julian would panic and have to backtrack. Olivia was much better at staying close to him. She was nearly tripping him. If he was currently thinking things through, he would have told her to just give him a little more space. But he wasn’t thinking beyond _stay low, stay quick, stay silent._

Olivia tried to count the number of walkers that dropped to the ground in front of Julian with a hole in their head, but she couldn’t keep track. He was slicing and stabbing continuously. At one point, Olivia heard him grunt and he faltered. She wasn’t sure the walker in front of him was going to bite him before he regained his composure, but she swung the machete and shaved the top half of its head right off.

“Th-thanks,” Julian grunted out before moving right back into slashing.

Julian was so focused on getting to their home where Gianna was heading that he didn’t hear the frantic thudding. Olivia did. She looked over quickly and saw Gianna standing in the window of Aaron and Eric’s house, hitting her hand against the window to get their attention.

“Julian,” Olivia gasped. “Aaron’s house.”

Julian looked over as he stabbed his knife up through a walker’s chin. He couldn’t let himself feel relief at seeing Gianna alive in the window. He and Olivia needed to reach her and get inside before he let himself be relieved

He changed course quickly. Olivia had already been on her way toward the house after seeing Gianna, so she didn’t fall behind. In fact, she was in front of Julian for a moment. Gianna’s knocking had drawn the attention of quite a few nearby walkers, and they started crowding around the window where she had been standing so Julian couldn’t even see inside the house. It kept most of them away from the door, but Julian spared a quick thought for the strength of the glass.

Eric threw the door open for them. A walker stepped into the doorway, causing Eric to let out a loud gasp and fall backward. Julian threw his knife at the walker, so it embedded in its skull. It fell forward, landing almost on top of Eric. Olivia rushed inside, jumping past the body, while Julian stepped right on it. He yanked his knife out from the walker’s head and quickly kicked the body out of the doorway before closing the door.

Panting, Julian quickly pulled his blood-soaked shirt off while calling, “Gia?!”

Gianna appeared in an archway, looking out at him with wide eyes, likely because of the blood streaming down his chest.

“You okay?” he asked desperately.

Eric looked back at Gianna as she nodded. “I’m fine.”

Julian grabbed Eric’s hand, drawing his attention back to him. “Needle and thread. I need a needle and thread.”

Eric nodded and rushed away. Julian stumbled down the hallway to the bathroom.

“What happened?” Gianna called, not following him.

“Ripped some stitches open,” Julian responded, stepping into the bathroom and over to the shower.

He didn’t close the door because he wanted to be able to hear if anything happened down the hall. He turned the shower on, leaving the water ice cold because maybe that would help slow the bleeding. He snatched a towel off a rack hanging next to the mirror and he soaked it in the shower. He started wiping at his bloody chest and open wound, stepping in front of the mirror so he could watch what he was doing. He kept placing the towel under the shower and wringing the blood out. It wasn’t gushing out of the wound, but it was a constant stream that needed to be tended to.

Eric stepped into the bathroom and set the thread on the counter beside the sink with the needle stabbed into it. “Are you going to be okay?” he asked nervously.

“Yeah, but I’m definitely ruining this,” Julian said, holding up the already-stained towel.

“Do whatever you need.”

“Thanks, man.”

“I can’t believe you made it through those walkers.”

“I was pretty determined to find Gia. How’d she end up here?”

“She was trying to get to your guys’ place. But the walkers were catching up, so I called her over here.”

“Thank you, Eric.”

“You shouldn’t thank me,” Eric replied quietly.

“You have a hairband around here?” Julian asked suddenly.

“Oh, um, no. Don’t have much use for those,” Eric replied.

Julian sighed. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to take the hairband Daryl gave him off the dresser and use it. Not while Daryl was still missing, and that hairband was all Julian had from him. But long hair had a way of getting in the way. He stared in the mirror for a long moment, considering cutting it. Then he grabbed one of his knives and cut a strip of fabric off the towel. He used that to tie his hair up in a loose and messy bun that would fall apart in minutes. Angry with his lack of a solution, Julian picked the towel back up and pressed it to his cut.

Eric backed out of the bathroom, frowning. Julian didn’t see as he turned the shower off before grabbing the thread and needle from the counter. He walked out to the living room where Gianna and Olivia were sitting on the couch while Eric stood in the doorway with his arms crossed.

“Gia, I need you to stitch me up,” Julian said, holding out the thread and just noticing it was dark blue.

Gianna looked over at him and smiled sadly. “Olivia can do it.”

“I know how to sew,” Olivia added.

“Okay, but there’s a difference between sewing clothes and stitching up skin, and I definitely taught you the latter,” Julian responded.

“I’m sorry, Jules,” Gianna said softly. She rose her left hand, revealing that a chunk of her wrist had been torn off.

Julian stared, watching a line of blood trickle down to her elbow before dropping to the carpet.    

He wanted to panic. His chest muscles were tense, and his heart was beating rapidly. Hard. It hurt. But he’d dealt with this before. Never with someone he loved, which made it worse. So much worse. But he knew what needed to be done and how to do it.

Julian walked over and grabbed the machete from Olivia. “How long ago?”

“It happened on my way inside the house.” Gianna lowered her hand gingerly onto her lap.

“I’m gonna cut it off at the elbow,” Julian said emotionlessly.

“Take care of yourself first,” Gianna pleaded. “That’s why I didn’t tell you right away. Let Olivia stitch you up, then worry about me.”

“That’s not how this works. You should have told me as soon as I walked in, Gia,” Julian said sharply before turning to Eric. “I’m about to raid the shit out of your house. Move her onto tile so it’s easier to clean up. Get me duct tape, right now.”

Before anyone could argue, Julian walked away.

He gathered up half the towels in the house, pressing a fresh one to his own wound. He found a small torch meant for cooking and a heavy, seemingly high quality, metal spatula. He didn’t want to waste time looking for another flat, metal surface, so he decided that would have to be good enough. In the kitchen, he also found a bottle of vodka and hoped that’d be useful for disinfecting. It was, at least, better than doing nothing.

When Julian returned, Eric and Olivia had helped Gianna into the bathroom. She was sitting on the floor, leaning up against the shower, looking paler than before. Julian wasn’t sure if she really had lost some of her color or if it was his imagination because he knew what was coming.

Eric handed Julian a well-used roll of duct tape.   

“Thanks. Now, I need a belt you don’t mind ruining,” Julian said, moving to look at himself in the mirror.

Eric rushed out of the room. Julian moved as quickly as he could, ripping strips of duct tape and securing them over his cut in much the same pattern he would put stitches in.

“That’s awful,” Gianna said when Julian knelt in front of her. “It’s not gonna-”

“It’s enough for now,” Julian said. “So, this is going to be one of the most painful things you will ever experience. You’re gonna pass out. There’s just no way around it. And, when you do, it’ll be a damn gift. So, give into that.”

Eric came back and handed one of Aaron’s belts to Julian. At least, the most well-worn hole was larger than Eric’s thin waist, so Julian made the quick assumption.

Julian went to work. He wrapped the belt around Gianna’s arm above her elbow. He needed to poke a new hole in it in order to get it tight enough. Eric watched as Julian cleaned the walker blood off the machete in the sink before pouring the vodka over it. As Julian knelt back down to pour the vodka over Gianna’s arm, Eric quickly turned to walk out, planning on joining Olivia in the living room. Neither of them really wanted to watch.

“Eric,” Julian said quickly.

When Eric turned to look at him, Julian was holding out the spatula and torch. “Heat this up. Hopefully the bleeding won’t be bad, but if it is, we need to be ready to try cauterizing it.”

Eric slowly took the items and clicked the torch on.

“This could kill me,” Gianna said quietly, staring at the machete as Julian checked closely for any remaining walker blood. “Yeah, I’m dying, but this could kill me sooner.”

“It could,” Julian agreed. Eric backed out nervously, holding the flame up to the spatula.

“So, why are we doing it?”

“We have survived too much.” Julian poured what remained of the vodka over the machete one more time. “We are happy now. So, we don’t give up. We wouldn’t have given up before so we sure as hell aren’t giving up now.”

There was a moment of hesitation before Gianna said, “Right… you’re right. But, in case I do die… I love you, Jules.” She slid down to lay on her back, stretching her arm out at her side. “Thanks for keeping me alive for so long. I know it hasn’t been easy.”

Julian chuckled sadly. “No… But it has been a God damn honor.”

Gianna rolled her eyes. She was shaking, her fingertips turning blue. Julian quickly looked around the room, grabbed a hand towel hanging by the side of the sink, and held it out to Gianna.

“Bite on this,” he said. “We can’t afford to have you screaming.”

Gianna hesitated before lifting it to her mouth and biting onto the fluffy, blue towel.

“Arm above your head, Gia.”

She shifted so her arm was raised over her head.

“On three,” Julian said.

Gianna turned her head away and tightly closed her eyes.

Julian raised the machete. Eric focused intently on the spatula as it started glowing red at the middle.

“One,” Julian said. Then, he swung the machete down.

When Gianna passed out, Julian knew it was because of the pain and not blood loss, because the belt was doing its job marvelously. It would still make him feel better to get some blood in her, but this was good. This was, perhaps, the best he could have hoped for.

“We won’t need that,” Julian said to Eric, and Eric instantly stopped heating up the spatula, a look of relief on his face. Julian carefully wrapped a towel around what was left of Gianna’s arm. “It’s best not to inflict more trauma if the bleeding isn’t out of control.”

Eric nodded. “Makes sense…”

Julian carefully picked Gianna up and carried her out of the bathroom, Eric following. Even knowing what had happened, Olivia gasped upon seeing Gianna. Julian glanced over at the couch, but the living room window was right above it and the walkers were pressing themselves against it still. They were biting at the glass – all except one who’s jaw was clearly dislocated.

Julian was terrified. Looking out the window, it appeared as if the walkers were swarming the house. What if they broke the window? There were just so many of them. Julian had no clue what they were capable of in this large of a number.

“I’m taking her upstairs,” Julian said. He turned his back to the window. “Got a bedroom I can put her in?”

“Of course,” Eric said quickly. He stumbled over to the stairs.

Julian followed Eric up the stairs and down a hall into a bedroom with pale blue walls and a king-sized bed covered in a striped blanket. Julian gently laid Gianna down and used some of the many pillows on the bed to elevate her arm.

“Keep an eye on her,” Julian said. “Make sure her arm stays elevated and if she wakes up get water into her right away.”

“Why does it sound like you’re not staying?” Eric asked worriedly.

“I gotta get her some blood. Bandages, antibiotics, disinfectant – it’d be best if I could get her to Denise, but I can’t get through those walkers while carrying her.”

“You should just stay put,” Eric argued. “You got lucky, making it here before. You go out there again and you’re probably going to die.”

“We don’t know how long this thing is gonna last. If it’s over by tomorrow, she has a chance, but if it takes any longer, she’s dead. Do you hear me? Dead. So, I can’t just stay here and do nothing,” Julian replied, quietly but with a desperate edge.

“You haven’t done nothing,” Eric said. “You’ve gotten rid of the bite. She’s not bleeding that badly. It’ll be as okay as it’s going to be and nothing you do now is going to change that.”

“But if I come back with actual medical supplies, I can sew up her arm. I can replace the blood she lost.”

“Or you’ll get yourself bit and we’ll have to waste those supplies on you.”

“Eric, I’m doing this,” Julian said firmly. “Can you take care of Gianna?”

Eric hesitated before sighing and nodding. Julian patted his shoulder in thanks before rushing back downstairs. As he started down the hallway toward the backdoor, Olivia joined him.

“Where are you going?” she asked, her eyes already on the door.

“Just running to the infirmary and back.”

“You can’t.”

“I can, actually.”  

“You’re still bleeding,” Olivia said.

Julian glanced down at the duct tape. There was a thin trail of blood dripping from the bottom of it, but nothing to concern himself with. Even Olivia should have known that and was probably just trying to get him to stay.  

“This is good enough for now,” Julian said. “Once I get Gianna taken care of, we’ll deal with it in a more permanent way.”

Eric jogged down the stairs and joined them in the hallway as Julian took out only one of his knives. There were so many walkers around the house, he thought it was better to leave one hand free for pushing them out of his way – that would be quicker than stabbing and he needed every advantage possible out there. He’d keep one knife ready, because he’d be a fool not to. He considered taking the machete but couldn’t stomach it.

“Julian, this seems really dumb,” Eric stated, quickly pushing his hand up against the door to keep it shut as Julian reached for the doorknob.

“Dumb and brave,” Julian muttered.

“Take this at least,” Olivia said, holding out the thread and needle Eric had given him earlier.

Julian just barely managed to not roll his eyes. He understood they were just worried about him. But he just wanted to do whatever he needed to make sure Gianna survived this. To get them to let him leave, he took the needle and thread from Olivia and pocketed them carelessly.

He, then, lightly pushed Eric out of the way. Julian pulled open the door and slipped outside, despite Eric’s hand on his arm or Olivia’s soft whisper to come back.

Julian didn’t even close the door, figuring Eric and Olivia could handle that for themselves. It would just slow him down anyway and he couldn’t risk slowing down. He raced away from Eric’s house, barely even able to see the walkers surrounding him in the corners of his vision. He was thankful he had no one following behind him, because there weren’t many people who could keep up with him when he was at his peak speed. And there wasn’t a damn walker that could stop him. He felt rotten hands grabbing at him, but none could get a grasp before he was already long gone.

He tried to get around to the other side of the house, but there were way too many walkers on the path between Eric’s house and the infirmary. He could tell that by just a glance. He circled around the next house and ended up close to home. From there, he could see that the walkers seemed to have almost congregated around Jessie’s house.

It was feeling less and less like Julian would get to the infirmary. He kept getting pushed back toward the wall, having to move in the small spaces between the walkers where ever they popped up. He kept trying and kept failing, getting more and more desperate. He was making mistakes – he knew that as soon as a snapping jaw nearly caught his arm as he pulled his knife out of a shoulder. He shoved the walker away instead of trying to kill it again and kept moving.

Julian only gave up on reaching the infirmary when he dropped his knife. Reaching down to pick it up would be suicide and there was no way he could make it through all the walkers to the infirmary without a weapon. He was probably going to die, he realized as he ran away from where he had dropped the knife.

At the last second, he made a quick turn to avoid a particularly large cluster of walkers. And when his eyes landed on one of the lookout platforms, he smiled to himself.

_There’s always a chance,_ he thought.

He veered toward it, full of guilt for not making it to the infirmary.

When he was just a few strides in front of the ladder, Julian leapt. The ladder wasn’t well secured – just tied with some rope. It swayed, and Julian clung onto it with all his strength just hoping it would hold. As soon as it settled, Julian began climbing. The duct tape, slicked with his blood, started peeling up uncomfortably and it felt like the blood was streaming down his chest now. Maybe another stitch popped from the strain on his upper body. He kept climbing through the pain, the rotten hands grabbing at his shoes spurring him on.

The platform was sturdy. But the ladder made a few loud thuds as he was climbing and a large number of walkers were heading his way. Against that number of walkers, the platform didn’t stand a chance.

He had to go over the wall. Julian groaned at the realization. He was going to have to leave Alexandria if he wanted to survive this.

Julian turned and looked over what he could see of the community from his elevated position. He hadn’t exactly grown to love Alexandria yet, but seeing it invaded by a herd of walkers was heartbreaking. Knowing almost everyone he cared for was still inside with no way out was almost enough to break him, but he wasn’t about to give up quite yet. He would have to see Rick’s body before he truly gave up. If he could get off this platform and over the wall, maybe he could do something. Maybe he could draw the walkers away from their clusters around Eric and Jessie’s houses, at least.  

The whole thing was a mess, but he could try. If nothing changed, he’d lose everything anyway.

Julian pulled out one of the guns he had taken from the armory and he just started shooting down into the mass of walkers at the bottom of the platform. He didn’t have time to aim. The walkers were already swarming the area and they were going to break the platform to pieces soon. But if he could draw more of the walkers toward him and away from everyone else in their homes, maybe he could be giving someone the break they need. Maybe it would make it easier for help to reach Gianna.

When the gun clicked, empty, Julian dropped it and grabbed the next. He only got two shots off before the platform swayed. Julian tossed the gun over the wall and quickly scrambled over after it. He hung on with both hands, though his right kept slipping because the blood from his collarbone had dripped down his arm to coat his palm.

He took a deep breath, then let himself drop.

The landing was a painful one. He wasn’t sure if he had broken his ankle or just twisted it, but he limped heavily when he took a step away from the wall. Even with adrenaline coursing throughout his body, there was a sharp, stabbing pain shooting up his leg with each step and a throbbing, dull pain every time he took his weight off it. He didn’t think that was a good sign, but he decided to focus on the fact that he was still able to walk and that there was no bone sticking out of his leg.

Julian shouted angrily. He was furious. Gianna had just lost her damn arm! He didn’t know if Rick was even alive! He didn’t know if anyone was alive, anymore! And Daryl! When the hell was Daryl just going to get home already?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta say, I was planning on leaving canon behind pretty soon. Then I saw what they're doing with Daryl now, and I'm not sure what I want anymore. It doesn't change anything for a few more chapters, so I'm not freaking out about making a decision quite yet, but the uncertainty is a little off-putting. At least, with my other fic, I know exactly where it's going. 
> 
> Have you checked out Just the Same? It just got real good, then real dark very suddenly. 
> 
> I love those moments where the story's tone changes on a dime. I mean, you can't overuse them (looking at you, Riverdale), but when they are used sparingly, they can be quite effective at throwing the reader off. Which, you need in fanfics, because most people know exactly what's coming.
> 
> ...Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk?


	9. Chapter 9

#### Episode 06x09

Julian walked slowly and clumsily to the gate. He kept one hand pressed over the duct tape trying to peel off his skin and the other against the wall to help with his balance whenever he put weight on his hurt ankle. When there was a walker in his way, he just shot it.

He stopped walking. His hands shaking, Julian checked to see how many bullets remained in the gun. He had to make sure he kept one, in case he got bit out here. He wasn’t going to let himself turn and be the reason someone else died.

He only had three rounds left.

He tried to move quicker. The sun was starting to set. He had to kill another walker and waste another bullet. He didn’t know how much further he was going to be able to go. If he was going to pass out, he had to get inside somewhere. So, when he finally saw the gate, he still couldn’t stop. He turned down the road and just kept walking, away from Alexandria.

It was damn lucky there were houses so near Alexandria. He didn’t have to go far, and he was sure that a window or two in the house he finally stumbled into would at least face Alexandria; maybe even have a decent view of the gate. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the energy to find that window. Instead, he barely got inside the door and managed to close it before he dropped to the ground. He just had to hope there were no walkers or people in the house, because there was no way he was going to be able to check. He wanted to close his eyes so badly, but he couldn’t, yet.

Julian took his gun and set it on his lap so it would be easy to grab if he needed it. Then, he struggled for a moment to pull the thread from his pocket. The needle was thankfully still stuck in it instead of him.

His fingers felt almost numb as he clumsily stitched the cut together. Still, it took longer than it should have. He couldn’t see the wound well, because of where it was on his collarbone and all the blood, so he used touch to help guide him. It would have been smarter to find a mirror, but it was such a relief to be sitting down. If he just had some water, it’d be like a damn vacation.

He almost fell asleep once it was done. He leaned his head back against the door, took a few deep breaths, and nearly let himself go. And then he heard a gunshot.

Julian loosely held his gun and slowly got to his feet, grabbing the doorknob and using it to hoist himself off the ground. His muscles were incredibly stiff as he moved awkwardly through the dusty living room, searching for a window that was facing Alexandria.

He just wanted to sit down and sleep. It had been days since he last got a full night’s sleep. And all these injuries on top of that – how was he still moving? Adrenaline was one hell of a thing, because he was running on fumes and still thought, if he just kept pushing, maybe he could make it another hour or two. He just couldn’t let himself relax again.

When he reached a window, half shattered, that faced Alexandria, there was absolutely nothing to look at. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting – this window didn’t even have a view of the gate, just the wall. He could keep searching the house. There was a second story which would probably give him a better vantage in general. But what if he could make it down to the reservoir where the herd had been to begin with? During the run, multiple cars had to have been left behind since everyone, but Daryl, Sasha, and Abraham, went on foot to keep the herd on the road. If Julian could get to those cars, maybe he could manage to make it back and lead the walkers away. Or maybe he could find a closer car. There had to be something he could do. He couldn’t just sit in the house waiting for a miracle. He’d die. The people he loved would die.

Julian groaned as he turned around and headed back toward the door. He’d just keep moving. Find a car. He used to know how to hotwire a car. Someone taught him along the way, in one of his previous groups, but he couldn’t remember which at the moment. It was too hard to remember much beyond the past day. He tried and could only see a group of men standing over him.

Why did his mind always have to return to that? There was plenty of other shit to dwell on. He had just cut off Gianna’s arm – that was terrible. And Daryl was gone. He left basically ten hours after they worked through enough shit to finally be together and now, he was probably dead. So was Rick. And Carl, Judith, Denise, Michonne, Carol, Spencer, Rosita, Maggie and…

Julian’s eyes filled with tears. Maggie and her baby. There were other people to mourn, but that one almost knocked him to his knees.

The rumble of an engine outside actually caused Julian to drop to the ground, but that was instinct. Duck so the people didn’t see him, because one person could be worse than a million walkers. Julian awkwardly crawled the rest of the way to the door. He cautiously opened the door and peeked out toward the gate. He couldn’t quite see anything – just the back of what appeared to be a fuel truck.

And he didn’t know if the screaming had just started or if it had been muted in the house, or if he just hadn’t noticed through the fog of his pain and exhaustion. But it made him leave the porch with abandon, rushing as quickly as he could toward the gate where the truck had parked. Not that he could move much quicker than a clumsy walk, since every time he put weight on his ankle, he grunted involuntarily and stumbled into the next step.

There was a hail of gunfire.

Julian didn’t know whether to run faster or get to cover, and for the first time in a long time, he just froze. He stared at the back of the truck and remained so still he was barely even breathing. Until the gate started opening. The truck slowly pulled inside and some of Julian’s tension melted – someone had to be alive to open the gate. And whoever was in the truck seemed to be there to help if they were being let inside.

When Julian did make it to the gate, Sasha and Abraham were helping Enid and Maggie down from a lookout platform and onto the truck – Julian hadn’t even noticed that Abraham and Sasha had been standing on top of the truck, despite the amount of time he had spent staring at it. That might concern him, if he didn’t look over to see Glenn walking toward Maggie, away from a pile of dead walkers. He had tried to keep hope for Maggie’s sake, but he never expected to see Glenn again. Not alive.

Standing just outside the gate, Julian stopped walking as he took in the scene. Sasha. Abraham. Alive. Here. Glenn. Alive and here. Enid… she ran away before. Carl mentioned it a few times. She was back?

And Maggie!

She looked like she had one hell of a day, but she was alive and reunited with Glenn.

Julian could feel his adrenaline slipping away. He took another step, so he was barely inside Alexandria. Maggie finally saw him as she climbed off the truck. “Julian,” she gasped.

“I’ll be okay,” he said, pretty sure it wasn’t a lie.

Once Enid and Maggie were safe on the ground, Abraham turned and walked toward Julian, maybe to help support him since he wavered. He could only imagine how he looked, shirtless and bloody with a poorly stitched cut still slowly oozing blood.

The door of the truck opened, and Daryl was walking quickly toward him.

_Daryl_.

It was Daryl.

Alive.

And here.

“Ya bit?” Daryl asked.

Julian just shook his head. The relief that flooded him weakened him. He started to fall, but Daryl quickly wrapped him in his arms. “You’re back,” Julian mumbled against Daryl’s chest, clinging onto him. His knuckles were already white because of how tightly he was gripping Daryl’s vest.

Daryl didn’t say anything. He just lifted Julian’s chin and searched his face.

“You’re back,” Julian repeated.

Daryl kissed him. Softly while holding him tightly.

“Well, son of a dick,” Abraham said loudly.

“I knew it,” Maggie added, causing Julian to smile a little against Daryl’s lips. He certainly hadn’t been hiding his feelings for Daryl very well the past few days.

“Hate to break this up…” Sasha began, causing Daryl to straighten out of the kiss, but he kept holding onto Julian, staring down at him. “But we still got a lot of walkers to deal with.”

Glenn suggested using the truck to lure the herd away, like Julian had hoped to do with a car. As Glenn spoke, Daryl held Julian at an arm’s length and Julian watched his eyes jump from one cut to the next, taking in all the bruises along the way.

“Let’s go,” Daryl said, taking Julian’s hand and pulling him away from the others.

“Where are you going?” Glenn asked before they could get far.

“Gotta get him to Denise,” Daryl answered.

“Do you not see the walkers in your way?” Sasha asked.

“I’m okay,” Julian said.

Daryl looked from Julian to the truck behind all of them.

“I got an idea,” Daryl said. He reluctantly moved from Julian’s side, heading back to the truck.

As Daryl emptied the fuel in the back of the truck into Alexandria’s lake, Julian tried to convince Maggie that he was, in fact, just fine. He understood why she was worried but seeing Daryl had rejuvenated him. He was standing on his own without swaying. Hell, he felt better than he had in days, and he knew part of it was an illusion his overjoyed brain was having, but he leaned into it anyway.

Daryl’s genius came with the launching of a rocket into the lake, creating an impressive explosion which instantly turned a lot of walkers toward it. The walkers stumbled into the lake and the fire. The group, an injured Julian included, rushed over to join the others, who had started fighting the walkers at some point.

Something changed in Alexandria as they fought until dawn. Julian could feel it as it happened. There were no more new and old members. They weren’t Rick’s People and the Alexandrians anymore. They fought side by side, saving their homes and each other from the herd of walkers as equal members of the community.

And when the sun rose and the last walker fell, there was just silence. For one glorious second, just silence. And then, Rick was running into the clinic.

Julian wanted to follow and ask what had happened to make Rick run so quickly into the clinic, but he had his own emergency waiting for him in Eric’s home. Julian dropped the knife he had been using and ran into the house. He dashed up the stairs and found Gianna still lying in bed, the pillow beneath her arm stained with blood. He pressed his fingers against her wrist, finding a steady pulse.

Julian was about to lift her from the bed when Daryl said, “Stop,” from behind him.

He looked over his shoulder. “What?”

“You’re gonna kill yourself,” Daryl said, walking over. “Let me.”

Julian stepped back from the bed and watched Daryl easily lift Gianna. That was when he noticed the blood on his back.

“Are you hurt?” Julian asked, following behind slowly when Daryl left the room.

“I’m fine,” Daryl said, glancing at Julian, judging how fast he could move. “She get bit?”

“Yeah, I had to amputate it. Her pulse is good… can you just…” Julian was starting to feel the weight of his exhaustion again. To be honest, he started feeling it hours ago and had slowed down, but it hadn’t really been noticeable because the herd had been thinned by that point.

Daryl looked back at him. “Julian?”

“I’m okay,” he said. “Keep going.”

Daryl sped up without Julian limping behind him. Julian slowly lowered to the ground to rest on his knees. His eyelids felt heavy. His hands… felt numb? Numb or cold. He looked down at them – he was missing three fingernails and another two were broken. Julian turned his hand over to trace the lines of his palm with his eyes.

He started blinking for longer and longer amounts of time.

“Julian?”

Was that Maggie or Rosita? He tried to look but couldn’t get his eyes to open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Bout time.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty short and a little bit of an interlude, so, that's why I was able to post it so quickly. Though, the next chapter is meatier and almost completely edited. I hope to get it out next week. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me :D  
> You guys are the best.

Rick was sitting at Carl’s bedside when Daryl ran into the clinic with Gianna. He didn’t see, just heard the commotion. He was staring down at his unmoving son with bandages covering both his eyes, just hoping Carl would wake up. Denise said there was nothing more she could do, and they would only know if she had done enough if he woke. When Daryl came into the clinic, Rick was trying to decide if he should talk directly to Carl or to God. He would beg either, or both, to see Carl open his eyes again.

Even though the noise did catch his attention, it wasn’t until he heard someone say something about being bit that he got up and walked out of Carl’s room. “What happened?” he asked, trying to see who Denise was working on, though she stood in the way of Gianna’s face.

“Gianna was bit,” Denise said as she unwrapped the towel around Gianna’s elbow. “Jules amputated.”

Rick looked around for Julian. “She goin’ to be okay?”

“I don’t know, yet,” Denise replied. “But it looks like a clean cut. That’s good for recovery.”

“Where’s Judith?” Daryl asked, hovering behind Denise.

“At the church,” Rick answered. “Michonne’s gettin’ her.”

“And Carl?”

“He, uh, was shot.”

“What?”

“I’ve done all I can for Carl,” Denise said before Rick could explain further. “We’ll have to wait for him to wake up to know more.”

The door suddenly opened, and Rosita walked in with Julian in her arms. Maggie was holding the door open and Glenn followed Rosita.

“What the hell happened?” Rick snapped. Julian had been fine when he last saw him, before running into the clinic.

“He passed out,” Rosita said as she laid him on a bed. “From the way he was acting right before, I think it could be shock.”

“It could also be exhaustion,” Maggie said quickly. “He hasn’t slept right since the attack.”

Rosita started searching Julian for any bites. Daryl reached back and found a wall to lean against. “I shoulda come back,” he mumbled.

Rick looked from Julian to Carl. Tara slowly walked inside while everyone else sat and waited on the porch, exhausted and probably clued in by now.

“I’m here,” Tara let Denise know.

Denise nodded in response while glancing toward Julian. “How’s it looking over there, Rosita?”

“He’s not bit. But there’s no way this cut isn’t infected,” Rosita answered. “Good news is he’s breathing, and he’s got a pulse.”

“Check his pupils,” Denise ordered, turning to toss a penlight onto the edge of the bed.

Maggie quickly grabbed it and lifted each of Julian’s eyelids to peer down into his eyes with the light. “Fine – he’s fine.”

“Seems like he might have just pushed himself too far,” Denise said.

“Is anyone surprised?” Rosita replied. “What should I do, doc?”

Denise took a few steps away from Gianna in order to look over Julian. “First you need to cut that thread out. You’re probably going to need help cleaning him up and I’m going to need some help over here. We need more hands.”

“I can help,” Maggie said.

“I’ll get Carol,” Glenn added.

A moment after Glenn rushed out to get Carol, Michonne stepped inside with Judith in her arms. Now that Rick could see all three of his kids, alive for the moment, at least, he felt like he could breathe again. He took Judith from Michonne’s arms, kissed the side of her head, and made sure to keep her turned away from Julian and Gianna.

“Thank you,” he said to Michonne. She was looking in at Carl with watery eyes.

How much she cared for his kids always struck him. And he wanted to comfort her, but he didn’t know how. Not when he was barely holding himself together. But holding Judith in his arms… she was fine. She wasn’t hurt. She wasn’t upset. It was grounding, holding her and knowing she was okay.

“Can ya take her?” Rick asked softly.

Michonne nodded and gently took Judith back into her arms. She smiled, eyes still teary, when Judith looked at her. Glenn rushed in with Carol. Denise quickly called her over to Gianna’s bed.

“I don’t know if his ankle is broken, but it’s swollen and bruised,” Rosita said.

“Then treat it like it’s broken. I’ll decide if it needs to be set when I’m done over here.”

“She’s waking up,” Carol warned.

Giana whimpered, barely opening her eyes.

“It’s okay, Gianna,” Denise said as comfortingly as possible. “You’re in the clinic and we’re taking care of you.”

“My a-arm… my arm hurts,” Gianna mumbled.

“I know. It’s going to hurt for a while, but I think you’re going to be okay.”

“Why does it hurt?” Gianna tried to reach across her body toward her missing arm, but Carol caught her hand and held onto it tightly. A moment later, she was unconscious again, anyway.

Rick slowly wandered into Carl’s room, sat at his bedside, and just tried to collect his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, and all its vague medical-ness, was brought to you by the many hours I've spent watching Grey's Anatomy. I'm definitely not a doctor and didn't know what I was talking about, so if there's something patently false here, I am sorry.
> 
>  
> 
> P.s. I'm just curious - would anyone be interested in a Negan/OMC fic or a Jesus/OMC fic from me? I'm considering writing one or both (I totally don't have 2000+ words already written or anything) after I finish this or Just the Same, but I've also got some original stuff I'm working on, so if there's no interest, I'll just focus my extra energy there.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The show does a two month time jump at this point. I'm not gonna adhere to that. So, the following chapters are right after 06x09 ends, during those two missing months.

#### Between episode 06x09 and episode 06x10

Daryl didn’t leave the clinic. Once Julian was no longer bleeding and Gianna was sleeping peacefully, Denise turned to him and stitched up the cut he’d gotten from the men on the road; the assholes that wanted their shit and were now a well-cooked meal scattered across the street for any walkers that stumbled by. Now that Daryl was sitting in Alexandria, with Julian in his sights and his friends, mostly, intact, Daryl could finally let himself bask, for just a moment, in how damn cool it was to shoot that rocket launcher. Twice. The first time had been more satisfying, as the explosion decimated the enemy, leaving no further problem to deal with. He, Abraham, and Sasha had just gotten into the fuel truck and they drove away. The second time, there was still a lengthy fight to finish and, honestly, Daryl was more exhausted than he had ever been. The herd descending on the farm, the Governor’s multiple attacks, the God damn cannibals at Terminus, and the trek to Alexandria that had, at one point, felt endless. None of it left him this tired down to his bones.

It felt like he’d been running for days. There was the herd, the pricks in the woods, the men on the road, then the walkers in Alexandria. Daryl would love to find a bed and just sleep for a few days. Instead, he showered, because Denise made him, and he settled in a straight-backed chair at Julian’s bedside.

Daryl stared at Julian. He took in all the small scratches across his face and shoulders. Then the crisp bandage wrapped around his arm. Slowly, Daryl’s eyes rose to the bandage over Julian’s collarbone, hiding the infected cut that was still a danger. It was impossible to stop his gaze from going higher, fixating on the dark bruises around Julian’s neck. In the light of the fire last night, Daryl had seen blood red circles around his irises.

Would any of it have happened to him, if Daryl had never left? Could he have spared Julian this pain by just staying?

Daryl looked over at Gianna. It’d been a little while since someone lost a limb and survived – Bob was the last one and he didn’t last long. Was Tyrese before or after Bob? Sometimes the bad blurred together, but Daryl was pretty sure it was after, but Tyrese died such a short amount of time later. Did he even wake up and see his arm gone or did the bites get him before that?

At least, Julian amputated Gianna’s arm quickly enough.

“Daryl?”

Daryl’s attention snapped right to Julian’s face. He was smiling.

“I knew ya were here,” Julian mumbled, reaching for him. “I didn’t have a nightmare.”

“How ya feelin’?” Daryl asked quickly. “Ya need Denise?”

Julian whined softly and wiggled his fingers, trying to get his point across. Daryl glanced toward the room where Rick was still with Carl.

“We’re in the clinic,” Daryl said.

“I don’t care,” Julian replied.

“Rick’s right in there.” Daryl pointed to the room.

“Why?” Julian tried to sit up but couldn’t because Daryl quickly stood and gently pressed him back down. “He okay?”

“Rick’s fine,” Daryl answered quietly. “But Carl got shot.”

“Oh my God, Daryl, what? Let me up.” Julian pushed Daryl’s hand off him and, again, tried to sit up. The painful, pulling sensation in his side stopped him this time. He groaned and relaxed on the bed. “Well, forget moving. What the hell happened with Carl?”

“Ron shot him in the eye,” Daryl answered. “The Anderson’s are dead. Carl ain’t awake yet, but he’s alive.”

“Did we lose anyone else? Oh, shit. Gianna.”

“She’s okay,” Daryl said. “Sleepin’ right over there.”

Julian’s eyes followed Daryl’s hand as he pointed to a bed where Gianna was curled up under a blanket. Julian stared at her for a long moment, until he was able to see that she was breathing. Then he looked back to Daryl.

“What about Maggie?”

“She’s fine.”

“So… everyone’s okay?”

“Deanna’s dead too.”

“Oh.”

“I should tell Rick you’re awake,” Daryl said. “Denise, too, probably.”

“Leave Rick be,” Julian replied.

“He wanted to know.”

“He’s not actually my dad.”

“I’m gettin’ Denise,” Daryl grumbled.

Julian smiled. “Okay. Get Denise. But kiss me first.”

Daryl glanced back to make sure the door into Carl’s room was still shut before quickly leaning down and pressing his lips against Julian’s, gently. He ended the kiss quickly, but Julian reached up and gripped Daryl’s shirt, not forcing him to continue the kiss, but keeping him close.

“I missed you,” Julian whispered. “What took you so long?”

“Ran into some assholes,” Daryl said. “They took my bike. And bow.”

“I’m sorry,” Julian replied.

Daryl just shrugged. “I took their truck.”

“And where’d you get that rocket launcher?”

“Abraham.”

“It was sexy.”

Daryl shook his head. “I’m gonna get Denise.”

“I’m fine and I don’t need Denise.”

“Ya ain’t fine.”

“I feel-”

“Ya coulda died. Still could, ‘cause ya got an infection.”

“We have antibiotics. I’ll be fine. Let Denise sleep and kiss me again.”

Daryl was practically glaring at him as he closed the distance and kissed him. Julian smiled into the kiss. Daryl bit lightly at Julian’s bottom lip as if in revenge, which just transformed his smile into a smirk.

There was a soft creak behind them as a door opened. Daryl leapt away from Julian.

Julian sighed.

“Hey,” Denise greeted, smiling when she saw him with his eyes open. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m sore,” Julian answered.

“I’m not surprised, with how far you pushed yourself,” Denise said. “I’m going to get Rick, then I’ll be back to check on you.”

“Leave Rick alone,” Julian groaned.

“He wanted to know as soon as you woke up,” Denise replied.

“He’s with his actual son. And it’s the middle of the night – hey, why are you awake?”

“I can’t sleep – I have more patients than I’ve ever had before.”

“Can I help?”

“No,” Denise and Daryl said at the same time.

“Just go to sleep, damn,” Daryl mumbled.

“Am I healthy enough for sex?” Julian asked, instantly flustering Denise and clearly startling Daryl. Julian was both impressed and disappointed that Daryl wasn’t wondering the same thing.

“No,” Denise said quickly. “Of course not.”

“What if I make my partner do all of the work?” Julian wondered.

“The answer’s still no,” Denise said a moment before he watched her slip out of doctor-mode and into friend-mode. “Wait, do you have a boyfriend?”

Julian made sure not to look toward Daryl. “It’s relatively new, but yeah. And I _really_ want to have sex with him.”

“I’m still gonna need you to wait a while,” Denise said. “So, who is he?”

“Me,” Daryl said. Julian wasn’t going to say it and he looked over at Daryl with wide eyes as Denise’s jaw dropped. “And don’t worry. I ain’t touchin’ him.”

Julian groaned in irritation but the aching in his body kept him from arguing further. Daryl and Denise were probably right. Even if he didn’t want them to be.

“Fine but… you can’t just sit at my bedside all night,” Julian told Daryl. “Go get some real sleep.”

“Ain’t gonna happen,” Daryl replied. “Can’t risk ya havin’ a nightmare and rippin’ those stitches. Hear you’ve been doin’ a lot of that lately.”

“There’s another bed, right? Give him a bed, Denise.”

“I offered. He turned me down,” Denise said.

“Don’t wanna test the distance of this weird thing ya got with me,” Daryl mumbled, looking at the pillow behind Julian’s head instead of directly at Julian.

“God, you’re cute. But you look like death, Daryl. You need sleep just as much as I do,” Julian shifted a little, bending his knees and turning slightly onto his side.

“He’s not wrong,” Denise offered. “You’ve been through the wringer, too. Neither of you are going to heal without a good, long rest. You can be attached at the hip tomorrow.”

Daryl looked down at Julian with a frown.

“I missed you, too,” Julian said softly. “Now, please take care of yourself.”

When Daryl still didn’t move, Denise sighed loudly. “He asked so nicely, Daryl.”

“Alright, alright,” Daryl grumbled. He leaned down and kissed Julian again.

Julian grinned. “You kissed me in front of a bunch of people.”

“I wasn’t thinkin’,” Daryl replied.

“I could tell, ‘cause two seconds later and you were ready to run me through the walkers.”

“Probably woulda made it.”

Julian laughed softly. “I’m really glad you’re back.”

“Me too.”

Daryl kissed Julian one more time, lightly and carefully touching his cheek, just trying not to hurt him. Julian reached up and rested his hand on Daryl’s arm. Something about the whole thing still didn’t feel real. Maybe he just needed to see Daryl in the daylight. Maybe he just needed to step outside and see Alexandria void of walkers for their survival to finally feel real.

Denise cleared her throat and pushed her glasses up.

“Where’s this bed?” Daryl asked gruffly.

Denise pointed across the room.

“Same room,” Julian said. “I’ll be okay.”

Daryl nodded slowly as he shuffled his way to the bed Denise had pointed him to. Julian watched him barely remember to kick off his shoes before lying down.

“Goodnight, you two,” Denise said.

“Night,” Julian replied.

“Yeah, whatever,” Daryl grumbled.

“He means sweet dreams,” Julian chuckled.

Denise left, but Julian thought she was still nearby and awake. She was probably exhausted after a full night of saving lives, so Julian hoped she at least let herself get a few hours of sleep in before dawn. Julian turned a little more, having to reach back and push himself rather than just being able to easily shift into whatever position he liked. He looked over at Daryl and smiled. Daryl was trying to keep his eyes open and on Julian but was failing. Soon enough, Daryl was sleeping, and Julian was just left watching for a moment longer before he closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall asleep, knowing Daryl was nearby.

Rick stepped out of Carl’s room in the morning to find Denise whispering with Gianna, while Julian and Daryl still slept. He slowly approached Denise and Gianna, his eyes shifting from them to Daryl.

“Hey, kid,” Rick greeted when Gianna noticed him. “How’re ya feelin’?”

“Well, I look better than you, so that’s a confidence booster,” Gianna said, glancing over to where her arm ended too soon.

“Glad to be of service,” Rick replied.

“Any change with Carl?” Denise questioned.

“Not that I can see,” Rick sighed.

“It could take some time.”

“I know. Hey, um…” Rick pointed to where Daryl slept. “Daryl okay?”

“Oh, yeah. Just a cut,” Denise said. “He was pretty tired by the time Julian woke up. I told him he should just crash here.”

“Julian woke up?” Rick asked, quickly moving to the foot of Julian’s bed.

“Yes. Not for long, but he was awake and coherent.”

“Why didn’t you let me know?”

Denise and Gianna shared a quick look – Rick probably sounded angrier than he was, but it was still unsettling – before Denise said, “Julian said not to bother you.”

“What? Why?” Rick didn’t understand. He always waited at Julian’s bedside, as long as he could, when Julian was in the hospital. Rick may not have been physically at Julian’s side, but he was in the building and had expected updates.

Denise shrugged. “He said to let you sleep.”

“You think I slept while two of my kids were barely hangin’ on?” Rick snapped.

“Julian is doing much better,” Denise said.

“But I didn’t know that!”

“Rick, Julian said not to bother you. It was the middle of the night, so I respected his wishes, which should be my priority since he is an adult and stressed to me that you are not his father.”

“I gave you an order and I expected it to be followed!” Rick snapped. “It was simple enough, Denise! Damn it.”

Denise bristled. “I’m going to check on Carl.”

Rick silently watched Denise storm into Carl’s room. If he weren’t so tired, he’d feel like an ass.

“You coulda been nicer,” Gianna said.

Rick grunted defensively. He crossed his arms and watched Julian.

Rick knew it was unfair, but he was tired of this back and forth between Julian when they both knew Rick was his dad. Not by blood, and not through legal means, but in action and heart, Julian was his son. He had been since the moment Rick found him as a lost toddler who laughed when he should have cried.

Rick looked away from Julian only when Denise rejoined them. “You were right. There’s been no change. But it hasn’t been long enough for us to start worrying.”

“Thanks,” Rick mumbled. “And… sorry for yellin’.”

“It’s okay, Rick. You’ve got a lot going on.”

“I was mostly mad ‘bout what Julian said,” Rick admitted. “He throws it in my face, sometimes, when he’s hurt, to hurt me. Which is fair. I should have tried harder. I shouldn’t have let Lori dictate if I could give him a home. I was still learnin’ to be a dad. I didn’t know how to take on the world for my kids, yet.”

“You still saved his life,” Gianna said. “Multiple times.”

Rick shook his head and sighed. “Listen, Denise, I don’t care what he says from here on out. Julian’s my kid. I love him just as much as Carl and Judith. I need to be updated on his condition, whether it’s the middle of the night or not.”

Denise patted his shoulder as she passed him. “Okay, Rick. Go home and get a shower. You smell like death.”

Rick wanted to argue, but when he looked over to Gianna she just nodded in agreement. Rick glanced back at Julian, looked in again on Carl, then jogged back to the house, where he checked on Judith and Michonne. After that, he only meant to take a short shower. A few minutes, maybe. Just enough to wash the blood off his skin and out of his hair. But the hot water felt good on his sore muscles and he ended up staying in the shower until the water started to cool. He put on some clean clothing and was thankful Denise had suggested this. He had needed it. However, the tension that had left his body during the shower returned tenfold when he stepped into the clinic to find Daryl leaning over Julian’s bed, unmistakably kissing him.

Rick slammed the door shut. Julian gasped, arms dropping from around Daryl’s shoulders. Daryl just looked up, locking gazes with Rick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D


	12. Chapter 12

Rick glanced into Carl’s room. No change. He looked back to Julian, who had turned red. Daryl hadn’t moved, still staring at Rick like he might attack. Rick swallowed. He wasn’t even sure how he felt.

“Rick?” Julian said cautiously.

Rick took a moment longer, unsure of what would spill out of his mouth when he finally opened it.

“You okay?” Julian asked.

“How long?” seemed to be the first thing Rick needed to know. At least, that’s what he asked when he meant to say he just needed a minute.

“Not long,” Julian said while Daryl decided to say, “Since the barn.”

“The barn,” Rick muttered.

“Well, wait, it wasn’t, like, official, back then, right?” Julian said quickly. “And we were gonna tell you, Rick, just after the herd was dealt with.”

“Have ya – no. Never mind. I don’t wanna know.” Rick took a few steps toward Carl’s room, like that would be the end of it, before turning back to them. “Daryl, let’s go.”

“What?” Julian tried to grab Daryl’s hand, but he was already heading to the door Rick just exited through. “Rick!”

“Relax,” Daryl said before he was gone.

Rick waited outside; jaw clenched.

“Ain’t like I meant to do it,” Daryl grumbled.

“He’s a kid,” Rick said.

“No, he ain’t,” Daryl replied.

“He’s _my_ kid.”

Daryl nodded. He once would have argued, but he’d seen enough to know it wasn’t a lie or exaggeration.

“And he’s been through hell,” Rick sighed.

“I know,” Daryl said.

Rick stared at Daryl. His best friend. Maybe the best friend he’d ever had, because there was something deeply flawed in his friendship with Shane for it to have ended the way it did. This was Daryl, who fought with him and for him. Who risked his life multiple times for Carl and Judith. Who didn’t give up on Sophia until she was dead at his feet.

He stared at Daryl, who wasn’t hiding how nervous he was nearly as well as usual, and remembered all the assholes Julian had dated in the past. The ones who had cheated on him, or just used him. Rick remembered all the men who had hurt Julian, and was comforted, because Daryl wasn’t a damn thing like any of them.

Rick put his hand on Daryl’s shoulder, grasping tightly. Too tightly. “You’ll take care of him.”

Daryl nodded. “Yeah.”

“I can trust ya with him,” Rick said.

“’Course, Rick.”

“Those weren’t questions.”

“Oh.”

“He couldn’t have picked anyone better,” Rick said quietly, letting his hand drop from Daryl’s shoulder.

Daryl shook his head, and was ready to argue, but Rick was already passing him on his way back into the clinic. 

Daryl turned to him before he opened the door. “Ya ain’t mad?”

“That was definitely my first emotion,” Rick admitted. “But it didn’t stick. I just… never saw it comin’.”

“If it makes ya feel better, I don’t think he had many options,” Daryl said, not making eye contact.

“Julian’s always had options. Anyone would, lookin’ like that. He gave me hell as a teenager. Let me tell ya; if ya have kids, have ugly ones.”

Daryl smiled, but was too tense to laugh. And he didn’t want to tell Rick his first thought – he and Julian couldn’t have kids. He figured it might be a little too soon to say something like that.

“Tobin’s lookin’ over what needs repaired,” Rick said. “Can ya go check in with him for me?”

Daryl glanced at the clinic door.

“I need to talk to Julian,” Rick added.

Daryl sighed and took a step back. “Fine.”

“Thank you.”

Once Daryl had reached the road, Rick turned around and walked back into the clinic. Gianna was sitting on the side of Julian’s bed while Denise stood over him, keeping him pressed down as he said, “I just wanna check on them. It’s not a big deal at all. My legs are fine. I’ll be careful.”

“Calm down, kid,” Rick sighed.

“Where’s Daryl?” Julian asked.

“Gianna, can you go sit with Carl for a bit?” Rick asked. “He’s just been on his own a while.”

Gianna looked at Julian. He smiled weakly at her. “I’m sorry.”

“Shut up,” Gianna said, rolling her eyes.

Denise had to steady her when she got off the bed, losing her balance easily.

“I’m fine,” Gianna said quickly.

“Gia,” Julian sighed.

“I’m fine,” she declared once more, much more forcefully, before she disappeared into Carl’s room and closed the door.

“I’m gonna go check on Scott,” Denise said, backing away from Julian.

Rick pulled over the chair Daryl had been sitting in the night before, which Denise had pushed back against the wall, so it was out of her way. He sat down in it and looked into Julian’s eyes, one a little greener than the other.

“So, Daryl, huh?” Rick asked.

Julian fidgeted with his blanket. “Are you mad?”

“Nah.” Rick leaned back in the chair. “I ain’t sure you could of picked a better guy.”

“Really?”

“I mean… he might be a little old for ya.”

“I feel safe with him, Rick.”

Rick smiled a little, though there was still clear tension on his face. “That’s… hard to find.”

“He also stumbles all over himself when we’re alone sometimes, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, don’t tease him too bad,” Rick suggested awkwardly. “Think this is a big deal for him.”

“Oh, it is,” Julian confirmed.

“Why didn’t ya tell me?”

“Um… well, it isn’t exactly an easy thing to discuss, and it hasn’t been official for long. Like you said, this is a big deal for him, and it’s taken some time to get to this point. I’m actually really surprised. I think almost dying kinda helped my relationship?”

Rick forced a chuckle. “Small blessings.”

“What’s goin’ on, Rick?” Julian sighed. “Be honest, are you upset about Daryl?”

“I ain’t upset ‘bout Daryl,” Rick said. “I’m shocked. Nervous, for if it doesn’t end good. But, I’ve trusted Daryl with my life, Carl’s life, and Judith’s. I’ve trusted him with everythin’. I can trust him with you.”

Tension Julian had been carrying for weeks finally freed his muscles and he sank deeper into the bed with a smile.

“But there is somethin’ we need to discuss. We can do it now, or you can come tell me when you’re feelin’ up to it,” Rick said.

Julian tilted his head to the side. How was he supposed to just not know what Rick was talking about? “Tell me now,” he said.

Rick took a deep breath. He leaned forward. “I ain’t always been good at talkin’ ‘bout emotions and shit. It caused a lot of problems between me and Lori. And maybe it kept me from fully confrontin’ her, ‘bout the way she treated you.”

Julian frowned. “It’s okay, Rick.”

“She resented ya, ‘cause I saw you as my first kid and that wasn’t something she had any part of,” Rick continued, as if Julian hadn’t said anything. “It only got worse, when Carl was born. I remember, she asked how it felt to finally be a dad, and I said ‘what do ya mean?’ It didn’t even cross my mind that Carl was supposed to be my first kid. I’d already had ya, and it takes nothin’ away from him to admit that. Lori… disagreed.”

“Why are ya tellin’ me this, Rick?” Julian asked, because it felt like just reopening old wounds for no reason.

“Because, last night, you told Denise not to give me a crucial update on your condition and your reasoning was that I’m not your father.”

“Oh. Right… That.”

“I just want to be perfectly clear, ‘cause I know I haven’t always been.” Rick straightened, like he just couldn’t get comfortable. “You are my son. I count you among my children.”

“You don’t have to do that, Rick. It’s enough to know you care. You don’t have to go overboard with it.”

“I’m not going overboard.”

“Carl and Judith are blood.”

“And your dad is your blood. Do you love him more than me?”

“Of course not, but my dad was a prick who nearly killed me. Carl and Judith are perfect. And they’re yours.”

“You think I love Judith any differently than Carl?” Rick asked.

Julian shrugged. “I mean, I think dads in general tend to love their daughters differently than their sons, but I think the love is equal. Just more protective, because the world is more dangerous for women.”

“Julian.”

“You love them the same.”

“Judith isn’t mine.”

Julian’s jaw dropped. He realized that might be rude and quickly closed his mouth.

“Lori had sex with Shane while I was in my coma. Judith is theirs,” Rick said.

“Oh.” Julian didn’t know what else to say. But that did make more sense than Lori cheating on Rick knowingly. For all of Lori’s flaws, she had loved Rick.

“I have three kids,” Rick said. “Two boys and a girl. I love them all.”

Julian nodded, throat tight, so he knew not to speak, or he might start crying.

“I don’t know how often it’ll come up, but if it does, I’d be honored if you’d tell people your last name is Grimes.”

Julian closed his eyes. How many times had he wished he was Julian Grimes? Too many to count. He felt a faint warmth threading through his body, starting in his chest. The warmth filled his entire being, and _this_ , he finally knew, was what it felt like to have a true family. A family who loved and wanted him. And maybe he’d had that all along in Rick, but it felt more real than before. It felt like he couldn’t tell someone Rick wasn’t his dad anymore.

It felt warm, and light. He hadn’t known he’d feel so light.    

“Yeah,” Julian said, eyes slowly blinking open with wet eyelashes. “I can do that.”

“Thank you,” Rick said, smiling. He stood. “I love ya, kid.”

Julian smiled, and his voice was more even when he said, “Yeah. Love you too.”

Rick leaned down and kissed Julian on top of the head. Julian half-heartedly tried to push him away.

“I’m gonna go check on Carl,” Rick said.

“Okay. I’ll be sure Denise let’s you know if I die.”

“Too soon.”

Julian laughed softly.

“Hey,” Rick said seriously. “Don’t make me have to kick my best friend’s ass.”

Julian grinned. “I’ll do what I can.”

“And…” Rick awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. “Do your best not to hurt him, okay?

“Okay, Rick.”

Just a few seconds after Rick closed the door to Carl’s room behind him, Daryl was slinking back inside the clinic.

“Were you loitering?” Julian chuckled.

“How’d it go?” Daryl asked, walking over to the bed.

“He hates us. We’re on our own.”

Daryl shook his head. He glanced toward Carl’s room on his way past.

“I think we’re in the clear,” Julian amended. “I was severely underestimating the respect he has for you.”

“Shut up,” Daryl grumbled, eyes on the floor as he walked closer.

“You’re his best friend,” Julian said, beaming. “He even said it. Like a teenage girl.”

“Knock it off,” Daryl grumbled, but he stood a little straighter, chest out.

“You guys have a bromance.”

“What?”

“Never mind. You’d think it’s dumb.”

“Oh.”

“You’re a good man, Daryl, and despite your best efforts, everyone knows it.”

Instead of arguing, which Julian knew Daryl wanted to do, he just slowly walked toward Denise’s desk and glanced over her notes.

“Is everything normal out there?” Julian asked to allow the subject to change. He would spend all day singing Daryl’s praises, but hated how uncomfortable it made Daryl. “Denise won’t let me out for another day, because she’s a tyrant.”

“There’s lots to clean up,” Daryl said. “A lot of bodies. Gotta fix the wall. There’s a few lookout towers that are gonna need some attention.”

“Well, let’s hope we get enough time to fix it all up before the next terrible thing happens,” Julian said, only half joking. “I think we could use a break after this one.”

Daryl nodded and flipped open one of Denise’s medical books.

“Everyone that matters knows we’re together now, so you can probably get in bed and cuddle with me,” Julian said.

Daryl looked right to Carl’s room. “What?”

“Please?”

“No.”

“I’m injured.”

Daryl huffed. “That’s cheap.”

Julian shrugged. “I fight dirty when I really wanna win.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Daryl grumbled as he knelt to take his shoes off.

Julian shifted carefully and slowly in the bed to give Daryl room.

“Still refusin’ pain meds?” Daryl asked, taking his vest off and tossing it onto the nearby chair.

“Carl and Gia are gonna need them more,” Julian said. “It’s not like we have an infinite supply or anything.”

“Are ya in a lot of pain?”

“Only when I move.”

“Stop movin’ then.”

“Yes, it’s that easy. I’m sure you’ve had an easy time staying still when people have told you to, right?”

Daryl just silently laid down in the space Julian had made for him. Julian readjusted to lay against Daryl’s chest and Daryl carefully wrapped an arm around him.

“Are you okay?” Julian asked softly. “You did kinda out yourself."

Daryl grunted and shrugged the best he could in his position.

“Use your words,” Julian prodded. “It was scary and a big deal to come out before it was a lawless world.”

“When I was out there, I thought I wasn’t gonna make it back in time. Thought I’d find ya dead. Pictured… havin’ to put ya down. Those weeks we spent goin’ back and forth … it just seemed like a lot of wasted time,” Daryl explained, grumbling like he wasn’t sure he wanted to say it. “When I saw ya… I just didn’t wanna waste more time.”

“Don’t say things like that when we can’t have sex,” Julian joked, feeling Daryl’s muscles relax as he half-chuckled, half-snorted. He laid his hand on Daryl’s chest, feeling his strong heartbeat. “You’re gonna stay for a while, now, right?”

Daryl loosely tangled his fingers in Julian’s hair, comforted by the feeling. “Yeah. I’m gonna stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Psst. Rick loves Daryl. Pass it on.)
> 
> I don't know if you guys are reading Just the Same, but it was a relief to return to these good times between characters. And I get to do whatever I want with Daryl and Julian for a bit because of that lovely two month time jump.
> 
> Thanks for reading :) Hope you're not too disappointed we didn't get a brawl between Daryl and Rick.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp.  
> I'm sorry.  
> I think this is the longest wait yet for a chapter, and honestly, life just hit me hard these past couple of weeks. But I'm feeling better and this was the first thing I worked on! 
> 
> (If you're reading Just the Same, I'm currently remapping the entire second half because ItCouldAllBeForNothingTomorrow has some great ideas that need to be explored further.)
> 
> Again, I'm sorry for the wait <3

Julian was sitting at Carl’s bedside when he woke. It was late at night, and Rick was there too, but he had fallen asleep.

“Rick,” Julian whispered, not wanting to speak any louder because Judith was currently sleeping in his arms. He secured his arm more soundly around her and reached over with his other arm to hit Rick’s shoulder as Carl quietly groaned. “Rick.”

“What’s happening?” Carl’s voice was weak and panicked.

Rick suddenly leapt from his seat. “Carl?”

“I can’t see!” Carl gasped, reaching for his face.

“You’ve got bandages over your eyes, Carl,” Julian said as he stood. Judith was going to wake up. There was simply nothing he could do about it. “Don’t let him take them off,” he told Rick sternly before leaving to get Denise.

Judith woke and started crying. Denise must have heard because she stepped out of her room as Julian was trying to shift Judith in a way that would allow him to knock.

“Carl’s awake,” Julian said instantly.

Denise _ran_.

“Hey,” Julian said to Tara, still lying in bed.

She just waved. Julian took Judith outside the clinic and started pacing with her. Her sobs quickly turned to cries, then quiet, tired whimpers. He rubbed her back. She grabbed his nose and he smiled. She was still sniffling, looking at him unhappily.

“You’re right,” he said. “I shouldn’t have made you wake up.”

“Hey.”

Julian looked over as Daryl walked toward them. “Hey. Get anything?”

“Couple rabbits,” Daryl answered, setting Julian’s bow carefully against the porch railing. Ever since some stranger took Daryl’s crossbow, Julian had been letting him use Sunny. It took Daryl a day or two to get used to the change, but now he was probably even better than Julian with her.

“That’s something,” Julian said.

Daryl maneuvered around Judith to press his lips against Julian’s. Ever since Rick had found out, Daryl never saw Julian without kissing him shortly after.

“I guess,” Daryl said, lifting Judith from Julian’s arms. Her whimpers ceased almost instantly.

“Carl’s awake,” Julian said.

Daryl looked to the clinic as Judith grabbed his hair, tugged, and had a giggling fit about the way it made his head tilt. He barely seemed to notice. “He doin’ okay?”

“He was talking right away. That’s huge,” Julian answered. “But this is beyond me. I was just a paramedic.”

“Ya saved Gianna just fine,” Daryl replied.

“Yeah, and she hates me for it,” Julian mumbled, crossing his arms.

“She’s just adjustin’,” Daryl said.

“She hasn’t talked to me in days. Basically, Denise told her I wasn’t going to die, and she decided to hate me.”

“Least she cared.”

“I know it’s not easy for her, but I didn’t have a choice,” Julian said.

“She knows,” Daryl replied.

“Then why’s she so mad at me?”

“’Cause ya cut off her arm.”

Julian looked down, sulking.

“She’s angry at the world right now,” Daryl said. “Ya gotta give her time.”

“How much time?”

“More than a couple days.”

“I can’t make it better if she doesn’t talk to me.”

“She’s a teenager. You’re lucky she liked ya for as long as she did when you’re actin’ like her dad,” Daryl said.

“Her big brother,” Julian corrected quickly.

“Her big brother that acts like a dad,” Daryl said.

“That’s rude,” Julian said, trying not to smile. “You’re being very rude.”

Daryl carefully leaned in and kissed Julian. Soft, sweet, and short.

“Okay, okay. All is forgiven,” Julian said, losing the battle and grinning.

Daryl only looked away from Julian’s smile because the clinic door opened. Judith’s hand was sprawled across his cheek, but he looked deadly serious as Rick approached them.

“Carl’s doin’ good,” Rick said. Daryl and Julian sighed in relief together. “He’s tired and in some pain. We’re tryin’ to get him to eat some. Drink some… Can y’all take care of Judith for the night?”

“Course,” Daryl answered.

“Thanks,” Rick said. “I gotta get back. Hey, Jules, um… Michonne’s probably gonna be asleep, but she’d want to know Carl’s awake.”

“I’ll tell her,” Julian assured him.

“Thanks, kid.” Rick quickly kissed the side of Judith’s head before moving to Julian and kissing his forehead. He awkwardly patted Daryl’s arm before rushing back inside.

Daryl and Julian headed back toward the house, and Julian almost suggested they ask to be given one of their own. Rick and Maggie had been discussing extending the wall. They had to patch it up anyway. They could just keep working and give Maggie and Gianna their space for a garden while bringing more homes into the protection of the wall. That would give them more space to spread out. It would be nice to live with his boyfriend without Rick just down the hall. But he wasn’t sure how quickly he should suggest things like that. He didn’t want to move too fast and freak Daryl out.

“Everyone’s better now,” Julian said. “You want to tell me about the people that took your bow, yet?”

“There ain’t much to tell,” Daryl said, like he had every time Julian tried to find out exactly what happened while Daryl was gone. “Some pricks took my shit. I’m gonna get it back.”

Julian looked around at the damage in Alexandria. There were still a few bodies to clear out. There was a lot of damage to homes that Julian wasn’t sure they had the materials or knowledge to fix, but Rick hadn’t exactly been including him in the discussions. He was injured and no one was going to let him forget it.

“How many were there though?” Julian asked.

“Three,” Daryl mumbled. “Then two.”

Julian was a little relieved. He had been afraid after hearing Daryl had run into strangers when he was gone, and it was just like his last community to take Daryl’s things, but The Saviors didn’t usually go out in such small groups. It seemed unlikely they were the ones who had given Daryl trouble.

They reached the front yard of their house and Julian was still lost in thought, hoping The Saviors never found Alexandria. He tripped up the first porch step, causing Daryl to quickly turn around.

“I’m okay,” Julian told him. “Just wasn’t paying attention.”

Daryl was frowning when Julian looked up.

“Really, I’m okay,” Julian said. “I’m just gonna go let Michonne know what’s going on.”

“I’mma put Judith down for the night,” Daryl replied.

Julian opened the door for them, nodding. Daryl stopped in the doorway and gave him a long look. Julian smiled.

“I am so okay it’s not even funny. You can relax,” he said. “Meet you in bed.”

Julian jogged up to Michonne’s room and knocked. When there was no response, he quietly opened the door and peeked his head into the room.

“Michonne?”

There was a low groan from the bed and Michonne’s hand rose from her blanket to wave him off.

“Carl’s awake,” Julian said.

Michonne instantly sat up. When Julian knew she was awake, he backed into the hall. He heard her curse a few times as she fumbled around getting dressed.

“How is he?” she asked when she stepped into the hall.

“Awake and talking when I left,” Julian answered.

“Thank you for letting me know,” Michonne said, already walking down the hallway.

“Rick asked-” Julian didn’t bother continuing, because she was already gone.

Julian stepped into the bathroom and took off his shirt. He peeled off the two bandages needed to cover the worst of his wounds and he just stared at the stitched together skin in the mirror for a few minutes. He had a few scars, but they were all small. Faint. Nothing to ever cause someone to ask how he’d gotten the scar. It seemed incredible, after the years of abuse, but if bruises scarred, his entire body would be covered.

Julian carefully spread a thin layer of the cream Denise gave him over the cuts, then rebandaged them. Still, Daryl was not in the bedroom when Julian got there. He crawled under the blanket and fanned his hair out across the pillow, so it wasn’t under his neck and shoulders. Daryl walked in shortly after, holding a baby monitor in one hand and his vest in the other. He tossed the vest onto the dresser and set the monitor on the bedside table.

“Do you want kids?” Julian asked suddenly.

“What do I need kids for?” Daryl answered.

“I don’t know. To feel complete or whatever?”

“I got Carl and Judith to look after.”

“But they aren’t yours,” Julian said as Daryl sat on his side of the bed. (He liked the left because it was a couple inches closer to the door.)

“That don’t matter as much as ya think,” Daryl said. “Do you… want kids?”

Julian shrugged. “I mean, I’ll take in an orphan if there isn’t anyone else to do it, but I’m good either way. Anyway, I just wanted to know. You’re good with Judith.”

Daryl took off his shirt, exposing his back full of scars to Julian. Every time he saw them, he had a pang of sympathy. Julian’s father had broken his bones and left him bruised, but he never left such permanent, deep reminders of the abuse. And he had escaped. His foster homes weren’t good, but there wasn’t a single home as bad as his own.

His eyes drifted to the thin cut on Daryl’s shoulder. It might not have even needed stitches, but Denise was being overly cautious after being brought a kid with a gunshot wound to the head, a girl with a missing arm, and Julian, who still hadn’t decided if he had fallen unconscious due to exhaustion or shock.

“Did those pricks do this too?” Julian lightly pressed his finger far enough below the cut that it wouldn’t hurt but close enough that Daryl would understand what he meant.

“Nah, that was some other asshole,” Daryl answered.

Julian sat up instantly. Daryl turned to look at him.

“You ran into even more people out there?” he asked, panicked.

“They tried to rob us,” Daryl said. “I blew ‘em up.”

“How many were there? What did they want? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Daryl did nothing but blink and breathe for a moment. This wasn’t normal. Julian didn’t usually panic; at least not so obviously. Not unless he had just woken up from a nightmare, and even then, sometimes, he was more angry than anything. It did vary. Daryl hoped Julian never had another nightmare. But that wasn’t this.

Daryl moved across the bed to sit right beside Julian, who instantly leaned against him.

“Are ya worried ‘bout the men who hurt ya?” Daryl asked softly.

“No,” Julian answered. “I could kill them, you could kill them, Rick could kill them – I almost want to run into those assholes again. But my last group… if _they_ find us, they’ll take me and Gia and kill at least one of you. Probably more as punishment for me and Gia leaving. If you ran into them – if they know there’s another group out here that they don’t control… the best thing I can do is be gone before they show up.”

Daryl didn’t say anything.

“Did anyone mention Negan?” Julian asked, voice shaking.

Dread settled in Daryl’s stomach as he said, “What’s a Negan?” instead of admitting that yes, someone called Negan had definitely been mentioned – those assholes on the road had said their property belonged to Negan right before Daryl blew them up.

“He’s the leader of The Saviors,” Julian said, starting to feel a little better. The Saviors loved throwing Negan’s name around and he was sure Daryl would have heard it, had he run into any of them. “I thought he was a good man who did bad things to keep the peace, but I gave him avenues forward. I showed him exactly how he could start making communities he conquered into allies, but something in that man just loved the power and fear that came with hurting people.”

“So ya left,” Daryl said.

“I couldn’t stand with him while he did that anymore,” Julian sighed. “I shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did, but you should see what they do to deserters. I was scared to leave, and I wasn’t sure I should take Gia if I did. I’m still not sure what the last straw was, but one day I was just watching Negan order his lieutenants around and I knew we needed to get out of there.”

“And now ya want to leave us?” Daryl asked, looking straight ahead instead of at Julian.

“No, no. Of course not. Daryl.”

Daryl did not look at him.

“ _Daryl._ ”

Daryl studied the taped corners left on the wall from where Julian had taken down a boyband poster. He had given it to Judith to draw on.

“Daryl,” Julian repeated, crawling onto Daryl’s lap so it was much more difficult to avoid looking at him. He touched Daryl’s clenched jaw lightly, brushing his fingertips across his skin. “I don’t want to leave you. Or Rick or Carl or any of them. I love it here. I love these people and…”

Julian pushed Daryl’s hair from his face and thought it was still too soon for a confession of love, but he had only felt closer to Daryl since he returned. He kept himself quiet this time but knew it wouldn’t be much longer before he couldn’t stop himself from saying it.

“I only brought up leaving because I’m afraid of what Negan would do if he found me here. I’m afraid of what he would do to punish me for leaving The Saviors, because I don’t think he’d kill me, but I think he’d kill you. I know he’d kill Rick. If Negan shows up, it’s not good for anyone. But if Negan shows up to find two deserters sheltered here, and injured here, he’s not going to have mercy… It’s just, if we get any sign that The Saviors have found us, the best thing I can do is leave for a bit. I’ll come back. To visit, I guess…”

It was a terrible plan. But The Saviors wouldn’t find Alexandria just to leave it alone. They would do what they always did and keep coming back to take more and more of their supplies. But if Julian left, he could stay close, learn the pattern of when The Saviors came to collect, and just return in between those visits. Or maybe he could go back to The Saviors. Maybe he could take whatever punishment Negan deemed reasonable, and trick Negan into giving him a job dealing with Alexandria. That was very risky, especially if Gianna refused to join him, and he didn’t think she would go back to The Sanctuary. It was dark and dreary compared to Alexandria, and she’d had a harder time there than Julian.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen,” Julian sighed. “Hopefully The Saviors just never become a problem. But I don’t want to leave. I did, in the beginning, but now I have a family and a boyfriend better than I ever dared to dream up.”

Daryl tried to look away, so Julian gently cupped his cheeks and held his face.

“I know you hate hearing how admirable and amazing you are. I know you were conditioned to think of yourself as worthless, but you’re not. You’re the perfect mix of kind and cautious. You’re smarter than you let on. You’re fiercely protective and good with kids. And I feel safe with you when I never thought I’d feel safe again. Trust me, I want nothing more than to stay here with you.”

Daryl pulled Julian against himself and kissed him. It was a soft kiss at first, but Julian pushed it further, biting Daryl’s bottom lip softly while running his hands over his chest. Julian wondered how far he could push before Daryl decided they needed to stop, since Denise still hadn’t given Julian the all-clear for sex. She openly admitted that they were probably fine, and she was being overly cautious because each of the wounds had been reopened at some point, but Julian wanted to be as close to Daryl as possible, and pressed chest-to-chest wasn’t enough.

He pouted as Daryl caught his wrist when his hands fluttered downward. He was alone with Daryl and no one was currently dying. There wasn’t a better time to enjoy themselves than right then and there.

“Gotta get up early and start on the wall,” Daryl said before lightly kissing Julian. “Let’s sleep.”

“We don’t _have_ to listen to Denise, you know,” Julian said even as he moved off Daryl’s lap. “It’s more of a suggestion, anyway.”

“That ain’t what she told me,” Daryl replied.

Julian huffed and laid back down, pulling the blankets over himself. Daryl leaned over and kissed him one more time, and he couldn’t help but smile. A soft coo came from the monitor and they both waited for Judith to start crying, but she remained undisturbed.

They started the night on separate sides of the bed, but usually by the time morning came, either Julian was draped over Daryl like a living blanket, or they were curled around each other, legs intertwined. Daryl knew Julian was already awake in the morning because neither of those things were occurring. Daryl looked over to Julian’s empty side of the bed and rolled over onto his pillow. It smelled like his shampoo. Lavender and some other flower Daryl couldn’t place.

Julian walked in a few minutes later, and Daryl was still lying there, blinking heavily.

“Good morning,” Julian greeted. “You want to go check on Carl?”

“Yeah.” Daryl rubbed his eyes and sat up. “Give me a few?”

“Got it,” Julian replied.

Daryl brushed his teeth and splashed water on his face before returning to Julian. They walked together over to the clinic, so close their arms often touched. It was nice to not have to keep their relationship a secret. Daryl didn’t think he could feel this way with anyone else. He didn’t even have any of the shame his father and society had ingrained into him, which had been so strong in the past that it kept him from touching a man until Julian crossed his path. But he was just so surprised and thankful that Julian was interested in him at all that the shame hadn’t caught up yet. If anything, Daryl walked a little taller with Julian at his side.

He had to have some value, if someone so bright saw something worthwhile in him.

It all just made Daryl feel worse for not telling Julian the truth about the men on the road. But he was surer than ever that that bit of information would cause Julian to leave, or at least push him one step closer to doing so. And Daryl knew he couldn’t watch Julian just leave Alexandria.

“Hey,” Rick said, walking out of the clinic with Michonne, who was holding Judith. Julian smiled at the sight.

“How’s Carl?” Daryl asked.

“Really good,” Rick answered with the first relaxed smile any of them had seen from him in days. “He just ate and he’s already asking to go home. I don’t know how Denise did it.”

“That’s amazing,” Julian said.

“Why don’t ya go in and see him,” Daryl suggested. “I gotta talk to Rick real quick.”

“Alright,” Julian said without an ounce of suspicion. Daryl felt like his stomach was on a rollercoaster, having left his body behind.

Julian jogged into the clinic. Rick thanked Michonne and she walked off with Judith. Judging by the time of day and the scrunched look on Judith’s face, it was time for some food. Michonne was smart to get her fed before she started crying. They didn’t always manage that, especially these past few days with everyone running around trying to figure out what steps needed to be taken and when.

Once he and Rick were alone, Daryl hesitantly said, “I lied to Julian.”

“What?” Rick asked with an edge that told Daryl he wasn’t speaking to his best friend. He was speaking with his boyfriend’s dad.

Daryl paced away and Rick followed.

“We got to talkin’ ‘bout what happened on the run, and he asked if anyone I ran into out there mentioned some asshole called Negan. And they did. But I told Julian they didn’t ‘cause he was talkin’ ‘bout leavin’ and I just… I’d have to go with him, Rick.”

There was a long, tense pause. Rick slowly said, “You and Julian are talkin’ about leavin’?”

“That’s why I lied,” Daryl explained. “We’d both have to go, and ya need us.”

“Damn right I do,” Rick snapped.

“But I can’t lose him. Where he goes, I go, and these Savior guys got him freaked out.”

“Who?”

“The Saviors. Julian and Gianna’s last group. Negan’s the guy who leads ‘em and I don’t like the way Julian talks ‘bout him. I think there’s a lot he don’t wanna tell us, and considerin’ the other shit he’s shared, I don’t take that as a good sign.”

“Well what are ya tellin’ me this for?” Rick hissed. “Now I gotta lie to him too.”

“I wanna know more ‘bout these Saviors.”

Rick straightened a little.

“I want to protect Julian,” Daryl said. “But we’ve got to find and kill Negan to do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter, this becomes the longest project I've ever worked on at over 100,500 words. Thanks for sticking around for it :)

Daryl was with Rick, Maggie, Carol, Abraham, and Tobin when he heard thunder. Alexandria was cleaned up and the repairs on the wall were going well. It was time to focus on expanding and this was the first time they all met together to plan, and so far, it had mostly been Abraham and Tobin listening to Maggie’s thoughts and telling her if they were feasible. Daryl wasn’t sure why he was there. He wanted to be hunting. They were going through food quicker than Daryl was comfortable with considering how difficult it had become to replace. Runs didn’t yield as much as they did in the beginning and not many other people knew how to hunt without guns, and they couldn’t risk drawing attention, from the dead or the living.

Daryl had also been looking for signs of the Saviors during his hunting trips, which was just another reason he was so anxious standing there wasting time listening to people talk about the wall. He would help build it when the time came, but he had more pressing issues to concern himself with. He hadn’t even found anything yet, though it didn’t help that he couldn’t go far out, needing to be back by the time Julian was falling asleep.

When Daryl heard the thunder, he didn’t have time to be polite. He had been watching the dark clouds rolling overhead all day, hoping they would just pass, the way they had yesterday, but no. There was thunder and the first drop of cool rain hit his nose when he looked up.

“I gotta go,” he said, backing away from the others.

“What?” Rick asked, eyes following him.

Daryl didn’t respond, turning and running from them.

As he turned onto their street, he saw Gianna run across the lawn into the house. The rain started to pour moments before Daryl was covered by the porch, just managing to soak his shoulders. Gianna had left the door open, and he at least closed it.

“Julian!”

There were quick footsteps on the stairs before Gianna was rushing past him, saying, “He’s not up there.”

Daryl had watched Julian closely every chance he got from the moment they showed up. When Julian started panicking about going into the barn, Daryl thought he was being dramatic. When he actually turned and walked away from the barn into the storm, Daryl thought he was a damn idiot and he would have been fine if they just left him there. Now, he understood Julian had just been trying to avoid something that reminded him of a brutal attack.

Daryl ran out into the backyard. Julian sat a few feet from the porch, soaking wet and shivering. Daryl just took one step into the house and called, “I got him,” before he walked out to meet Julian.

Julian smiled when Daryl knelt in front of him. His eyes were clear and the shivering was slight enough that Daryl guessed it came from the rain instead of fear – his trembling was a lot worse when it was out of fear.

“Thought you were busy,” Julian said, loud enough to be heard over the heavy rain.

Gianna burst out of the back door with a loud, “Jules!?”

Julian looked over in surprise. Gianna had a towel in the crook of her arm and was beckoning him toward her.

“Do ya wanna go in?” Daryl asked, his hands rubbing Julian’s arms to try to warm him up. “’Cause we can stay out.”

“I think I’ll be okay with you guys,” Julian said, slowly standing. Daryl rose with him. “I just, I couldn’t be inside alone.”

“It’s okay,” Daryl said. “We don’t have to go in now either.”

“Gianna’s here,” Julian said. She’d been staying with Olivia since Denise let her out of the clinic.

“Came runnin’ over,” Daryl confirmed.

“Thought she hated me,” Julian said, walking slowly toward her.

“She just needed time,” Daryl said. He’d never convinced Julian of it before, but he tried again.

He could see tension melt away from Julian as Gianna tossed the towel over his shoulder before wrapping her arm tightly around him.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Gianna mumbled, refusing to let the hug end even when Julian tried to step back.

“Ya just needed time,” Daryl said as he passed the pair on his way into the house.

“I was just so mad,” Gianna admitted, finally letting Julian go. “I still am. Not at you! Just… I lost my arm, Jules. I was just starting to pull my weight and, and now…”

“My brother lost his hand,” Daryl said, leaning against the doorframe. Julian raised an eyebrow. “Glenn and Rick left him handcuffed to the roof of a buildin’ filled with walkers. He had to cut his hand off to get away. Got some sorta prosthetic with a knife on the end.”

Gianna laughed a little and it was the first time Julian had heard her laugh since the walkers descended.

He loved Daryl. He looked past Gianna at the man who made her laugh when she had been moments from crying. The man who eased his nerves by just showing up when minutes earlier Julian had been such a wreck, he ran out of his own house in a panic.

“Can you make me one of those?” Gianna asked.

“We can figure somethin’ out,” Daryl answered.

“But I don’t want a knife,” Gianna said. “Well, maybe a knife. It’d help with cooking.”

“And killin’,” Daryl said.

Julian began to wring his hair dry with the towel. It was a relief to just accept that he was in love with Daryl, instead of letting the voice in the back of his head convince him it was too soon. He would tell Daryl eventually, but right now it just felt good to know for himself.

“Could I have, like, an interchangeable prosthetic?” Gianna wondered. “Like, take the knife out and replace it with something else?”

“Like what?” Julian asked.

“I don’t know.”

“A hammer?” Daryl suggested.

A flash of lightning behind them made Julian leap. Daryl’s humorous demeanor dropped immediately. He moved to Julian’s side just as the thunder followed.

“I don’t wanna go inside,” Julian mumbled.

“Then we ain’t goin’ inside,” Daryl said, taking the towel from Julian’s hands to place it around his shoulders. The towel was damp from his hair, but it still provided an extra bit of warmth Julian was thankful for.

The three of them settled on the small porch, Julian and Daryl in the corner and Gianna sitting in the open doorway. Julian was wrapped in Daryl’s arms, leaning against him silently while listening to Daryl and Gianna think of other tools they could make part of her hypothetical prosthetic. So far, she was psyched about the idea of a gardening trowel but didn’t understand what she could need a screwdriver for. Daryl admitted that it would be difficult to use anyway. Gianna wondered if they could get a flashlight to work, and Daryl said it probably would, if it was small enough. Julian nuzzled even closer to Daryl when there was a particularly loud roar of thunder overhead. Daryl’s hand swept through Julian’s hair as he casually brought up a hammer again – useful around the house and good for killing. Gianna still wasn’t sold.

Gianna looked over her shoulder when she heard footsteps coming down the hall toward them, then moved into the house so Rick could step out onto the porch. Julian looked up, hoping seeing him curled up against Daryl’s side wasn’t too weird.

“Wondered where ya ran off too,” Rick mumbled, crossing his arms as he looked down at the couple.

“It’s my fault,” Julian said, unable to tell if Rick was actually irritated or not.

“Ain’t no one’s fault,” Daryl said. “Just didn’t wanna leave him alone durin’ a storm.”

“I figured,” Rick said. “Took me a while, but I figured. Sorry I didn’t come sooner, Jules.”

“I don’t need everyone running to my side when there’s a storm,” Julian replied. “Just like… one of you. But I do appreciate it.”

“Why’re y’all outside?” Rick asked.

“I feel like I’m going to suffocate inside,” Julian answered.

“Fair enough,” Rick replied, tense with concern.

“Rick, I lied to you before,” Julian admitted, feeling courageous wrapped up by Daryl. “There were six guys.”

Daryl’s arms tightened around Julian, and he realized he never gave Daryl the exact number.

“I only killed two of them,” Julian continued. “I let them turn.”

Rick slowly looked into the house where Gianna was leaning against the wall. She wiped tears away. The storm was waning, but would take a while to leave them completely.

Rick didn’t know what to do or say. If he thought the rage he felt at Julian being raped was unbearable, that rage multiplied by six made him tremble. And he _hated_ that he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

“Thanks for tellin’ me,” Rick managed to make himself say. “I’m sorry, kid.”

“I used to think it ruined me,” Julian mumbled. “But sitting here now – being with you guys, I don’t _feel_ ruined. I don’t know if I was just never ruined or if you guys fixed me, but I feel better than I have since it happened. I know I don’t look it, but I just think storms are always going to be a trigger.”

“That’s understandable,” Rick said, barely understanding his own words through the thrumming of his rage.

“So, did you really leave Daryl’s brother to die?” Julian asked.

Rick was utterly confused and unsure he comprehended what Julian had said. “Huh?”

“I’m trying to change the subject,” Julian admitted. “Did you really leave Daryl’s brother to die?”

“It uh – well, yes, but it was more complicated than that,” Rick said slowly. “And I went back for him. You can’t tell people I left him without tellin’ them I went back for him too.”

“Rick went back for him,” Daryl said belatedly.

Julian looked up at Daryl with a smile. Rick tried to focus on that.

Rick couldn’t sleep that night. He rolled around and tossed and turned. He closed his eyes and thought nothing but _sleep, sleep, sleep_. He tried counting sheep. He tried thinking nothing at all, but the anger was too pervasive.

Rick slammed his feet onto the ground when he finally gave up on sleeping. He looked down at his watch and grimaced. He would have thought it was nearly three in the morning, but it was just past midnight. He hadn’t been sleeping well anyway, with Carl still in the clinic, but this was just ridiculous.

Rick rose from the bed. He tried to sleep at the clinic too, but both Carl and Denise sent him away multiple times before he got the message. Michonne made him feel a bit better about not being at the clinic every night, reminding him that Judith needed him too. But now it was Julian, and were his kids ever going to be safe?

Rick walked to Julian’s room and listened very carefully, leaning close to the closed door. He was pretty sure his mind would short circuit if he walked in on the wrong thing. He listened for a full minute to silence before deciding it was safe. Silently, Rick cracked the door open and took a half-step inside. Julian had the lion’s share of the blanket, Daryl’s legs uncovered and bare. They seemed to be curled around each other, Julian’s hair moving slightly with each of Daryl’s breaths.

It was such a strange sight. Just like it had been strange to walk out onto the porch to see Julian wrapped in Daryl’s arms. But Daryl had remembered Julian’s fear of storms long before Rick. He showed up when Rick didn’t, and it was the best thing he could have done.

Daryl stirred suddenly, reaching for the blanket. His eyes barely opened before they were zeroed in on Rick.

“Rick?”

“Yeah,” Rick said awkwardly, taking a step out of the room.

“What’re ya doin’?” Daryl mumbled.

“Nothing,” Rick tried.

“That’s weird, man,” Daryl said, tugging the blanket back over his legs.

“Sorry,” Rick said as he closed the door behind him.

He sighed heavily at his own stupidity. But there had just been a part of him that needed to see that Julian was okay. That same part of him needed to see Carl and Judith too.

He went to Judith first. She was sleeping soundly in her crib. Daryl still had the monitor. Rick had tried to get it back, but Daryl kept saying he’d return it while never doing so. Maybe tomorrow, Rick would just take it.

He tucked Judith’s blanket closer to her and just stared down at her for a few minutes. She was born into this messed up world where the dead didn’t always stay dead and men were monsters. Maybe that would do her good – she wouldn’t miss everything about the old world the way the rest of them did. She would be raised to survive rather than having to learn on the fly. She probably had the best chance of any of them and Rick was going to make damn sure she was prepared for whatever she faced down the road, but right now, she was just his little girl sleeping in her crib, completely unaware of the hell that waited outside Alexandria’s walls. Rick just wanted to protect her from everything he had failed to protect his sons from.

Rick stopped in the kitchen to get a quick glass of water before walking over to the clinic. He opened the door cautiously, glancing in and making sure Denise wasn’t still around before he moved into Carl’s room. Rick was surprised to find Michonne already there. When he walked in her head was drooping forward and her eyes were either closed or mostly closed, but she looked over, a little more alert, when Rick stepped in.

“They didn’t send ya away?” Rick whispered.

“They did,” Michonne said, brushing her hand over her eyes. “I snuck in after they fell asleep.”

“That’s smart,” Rick said. “I didn’t even think of it.”

“You’ve got a lot going on,” Michonne replied.

“Yeah,” Rick sighed. “I’m wonderin’ how long that’s gonna be an acceptable excuse.”

“I’m guessing it’ll be fine at least until Carl’s out of here. Which should be soon. Denise said he’s doing really well. I think she’s being cautious at this point.”

“I’m fine with her bein’ cautious.”

“Carl’s just ready to come home. It wasn’t easy for him when Gianna left.”

“I know.”

“Do you know how she’s doing?”

“Well, she finally talked to Julian again,” Rick answered.

“That must have been a relief for both of them,” Michonne said.

Rick stared forward and barely nodded. By the time the small group had broken up, at least an hour after the storm actually ended, both Julian and Gianna seemed lighter and brighter. Gianna went back to Olivia’s but mentioned moving back into the house within the next few days. Rick hoped she did. He knew Olivia was a good person, and Julian had told him she saved his life when they were overrun, but he thought they could take care of Gianna better.

“Are you okay?” Michonne wondered.

Rick sighed. “I’m tired.”

“Ah. That explains why you’re awake so late,” Michonne said in a lighthearted tone Rick heard very rarely. He thought he should leave before he ruined her night. But before he could excuse himself, Michonne said, “What’s going on, Rick?”

“It’s just one of those nights,” he tried.

“Come on.”

“It’s just… I just keep thinkin’ of all the ways I’ve failed my kids,” Rick admitted. “I’ve let Carl down a lot, I know. He’s told me. But I have been failin’ Julian from the moment I met him and it’s just gettin’ to me more than usual tonight.”

“Julian seems to be doing pretty well,” Michonne said, thinking of how he was almost always smiling these days, and if Gianna had finally spoken to him again, Julian was probably the happiest he had ever been.

“If I had adopted him the first chance I got, he’d of been with Lori and Carl. Shane would have gotten him outta there and he would have been with us. He would not have been…” Rick shook his head and glanced to Carl, realizing he hadn’t been speaking as quietly as he should have been. But Carl didn’t seem to have been bothered, still turned slightly on his side so it was his bandaged eye Rick’s gaze was drawn to. “Shane shouldn’t have left him behind either way. He _knew_ I thought of Jules as family. And I never even called him out for it, I was just so relieved to have Carl and Lori back. I should have gone back for him. I shouldn’t have just moved on.”

“You’re _almost_ right, Rick – if Julian had been with you from the beginning, he would not have gone through some terrible things.” She glanced over at Carl, almost certain he wasn’t sleeping anymore. “But he would have been there for the Governor. And Terminus – the Claimers. He might not have fared much better. Or survived. And he wouldn’t have met Gianna. Think she would have made it this far without him?”

“No.” That much was obvious.

“You can’t change the past, Rick,” Michonne said, leaning back in her chair. “You can let it keep you up all night the day before we start a huge construction project, but you can’t change it.”

Rick nodded, not looking at her.

“And you have him now. Everyone is well aware that he’s your kid,” Michonne continued. “You can protect him now. _But_ that doesn’t mean you get to treat him like he’s actually a kid. Because it drives him crazy and he’s one of the best we got when it comes to dealing with walkers.”

“I know,” Rick grumbled. He wasn’t happy with it. He was glad Carl and Julian could defend themselves, but he didn’t need them going out looking for fights, and that almost felt like what Julian did when the walkers invaded. If Gianna hadn’t actually needed him, it would have been a stupid risk.

“You’re doing a good job, Rick,” Michonne assured him. “You have your moments, but all in all, you’re doing a good job.”

Rick laughed softly. “Gee, thanks.”

Michonne stood, stretching for just a moment before saying, “I’ll get you a chair.”

“No, I should get back,” Rick said. “Anyway, I already feel better knowing you’re here.”

“Thanks,” Michonne said. Her eyes were suddenly teary, and Rick realized how much those words met to her.

Rick hesitated before placing his hand on her arm. “I mean it,” he said.

It was the first of many times where Rick had to resist the urge to kiss her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because my updates are kind of sporadic, if you want, you can follow me @ Metallicfey on Twitter. If not, just know I'm doing my best (:


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